Redemption?
"....Forgive me for my disrespect/ Forgive me for my lies..."
Lately, the R.D. has been really down in the dumps. Partly folks, this is because yours truly has had some major setbacks in the “getting in shape” department. For those of you who know me, you know the R.D. is a little overweight. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m actually fairly strong physically, and I’m not obese or anything (although I may be under BMI standards, but then again, so is half of the NBA), but I could sure lose a few pounds. This has been a struggle for most of my adult life, and, I submit to you, partly through no fault of my own. Now, I know everyone says that, but I refuse to insult anyone’s intelligence with the IBB (I’m big-boned) or the IHSM (I have a slow metabolism) defense. No, I honestly think sometimes that God, or at least fate, chance, circumstance, or something actually WANTS me to be overweight, despite my efforts to the contrary. Let me explain.
I have suffered more setbacks in the physical well-being department then anyone I know. Enough that it cannot be written off as “weekend warrior” syndrome or failure to warm up or anything like that. It has started when I was a student-athlete in high school, and continues to present day. The pattern goes something like this – I decide I need to get in better shape. I begin exercising a lot more often and see results almost immediately. I begin to get in better shape and develop an exercise routine. BAM! I suffer an uncommon, debilitating injury that lasts much longer than a “normal” person’s would and months later end up worse off physically than when I began working out in the first place. I can name one injury for almost every year, and I’ve probably forgotten a few. [I originally was going to list all of them here, but I wont bore the Dookie-faithful. It averages out to one odd injury per year since 1995]. And now...I'm suffering from perhaps the worst of all....shin splints.
In mid-2005 I began jogging and saw results almost immediately. I dropped ten pounds like nothing and lost an inch and a half on my waist. Then, I developed the worst case of shin splints I’ve ever heard of....both shins, on the outside of the tibia. This injury is supposed to go away with one month of rest with ice, elevation, stretching, and anti-inflammatory treatment. I have had mine for almost a year and can’t run for seven minutes on any surface without pain the next day. It’s not even supposed to take a year for a stress fracture (break) of the tibia to heal, and that’s a much more severe injury. And I’ve tried everything. In short, right now it looks like I’ll never be able to run for exercise again, and I'm not sure about full court basketball. How awful is that?
I have had a while to think about it, and I have an idea. Maybe I’ve just been a bad person and need to confess my sins to the world in order to get out of my rut. Maybe, in some type of bad karma-past life-scientologist-type way I have some residue I need to be rid of before my odd injury curse can be lifted. So, to you, loyal blogosphere, I confess to you my sins in the hope of anti-fatness redemption:
1. In 1996 or 1997, I lightly brushed a car in a supermarket parking lot. I then drove away.
2. I watch the O.C. regularly. Yes, I know. It’s really bad. I can’t help it. Oh, and American Idol, too.
3. When I go to the sushi restaurant, I actually like the razor-thin slices of pickled ginger they bring you. No, hold on. I actually love them. That’s right, I love them.
4. I didn’t think Ishtar was that bad.
5. I hate Myspace.com!
6. Often, at Mexican restaurants, I like to lightly sprinkle the blue sweetener on my tortilla chips before I eat them.
7. If I were in Congress, I wouldn’t spend $30 million on a Flight 93 Memorial in Shanksville, Pennsylvania, either.
There, I said it! Can I stop being a fat turd now?
Lately, the R.D. has been really down in the dumps. Partly folks, this is because yours truly has had some major setbacks in the “getting in shape” department. For those of you who know me, you know the R.D. is a little overweight. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m actually fairly strong physically, and I’m not obese or anything (although I may be under BMI standards, but then again, so is half of the NBA), but I could sure lose a few pounds. This has been a struggle for most of my adult life, and, I submit to you, partly through no fault of my own. Now, I know everyone says that, but I refuse to insult anyone’s intelligence with the IBB (I’m big-boned) or the IHSM (I have a slow metabolism) defense. No, I honestly think sometimes that God, or at least fate, chance, circumstance, or something actually WANTS me to be overweight, despite my efforts to the contrary. Let me explain.
I have suffered more setbacks in the physical well-being department then anyone I know. Enough that it cannot be written off as “weekend warrior” syndrome or failure to warm up or anything like that. It has started when I was a student-athlete in high school, and continues to present day. The pattern goes something like this – I decide I need to get in better shape. I begin exercising a lot more often and see results almost immediately. I begin to get in better shape and develop an exercise routine. BAM! I suffer an uncommon, debilitating injury that lasts much longer than a “normal” person’s would and months later end up worse off physically than when I began working out in the first place. I can name one injury for almost every year, and I’ve probably forgotten a few. [I originally was going to list all of them here, but I wont bore the Dookie-faithful. It averages out to one odd injury per year since 1995]. And now...I'm suffering from perhaps the worst of all....shin splints.
In mid-2005 I began jogging and saw results almost immediately. I dropped ten pounds like nothing and lost an inch and a half on my waist. Then, I developed the worst case of shin splints I’ve ever heard of....both shins, on the outside of the tibia. This injury is supposed to go away with one month of rest with ice, elevation, stretching, and anti-inflammatory treatment. I have had mine for almost a year and can’t run for seven minutes on any surface without pain the next day. It’s not even supposed to take a year for a stress fracture (break) of the tibia to heal, and that’s a much more severe injury. And I’ve tried everything. In short, right now it looks like I’ll never be able to run for exercise again, and I'm not sure about full court basketball. How awful is that?
I have had a while to think about it, and I have an idea. Maybe I’ve just been a bad person and need to confess my sins to the world in order to get out of my rut. Maybe, in some type of bad karma-past life-scientologist-type way I have some residue I need to be rid of before my odd injury curse can be lifted. So, to you, loyal blogosphere, I confess to you my sins in the hope of anti-fatness redemption:
1. In 1996 or 1997, I lightly brushed a car in a supermarket parking lot. I then drove away.
2. I watch the O.C. regularly. Yes, I know. It’s really bad. I can’t help it. Oh, and American Idol, too.
3. When I go to the sushi restaurant, I actually like the razor-thin slices of pickled ginger they bring you. No, hold on. I actually love them. That’s right, I love them.
4. I didn’t think Ishtar was that bad.
5. I hate Myspace.com!
6. Often, at Mexican restaurants, I like to lightly sprinkle the blue sweetener on my tortilla chips before I eat them.
7. If I were in Congress, I wouldn’t spend $30 million on a Flight 93 Memorial in Shanksville, Pennsylvania, either.
There, I said it! Can I stop being a fat turd now?
posted by TheRealDookie | 1:08 PM
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