Working for Dummies

“You’re mad ‘cause my style you’re admirin’/ Don’t be mad, UPS is hirin’”

For those of you starting new jobs out there, I created what I like to call the REAL “work timeline.” This is what really happens and what people really think during their first few years at a job. Check it out:

1. First Day -- You come in early and stay late, dressed in your finest dress clothes. You listen with extraordinary curiosity and patience to everything everyone has to say, taking everyone’s advice and “helpful hints” at face value. You are in awe of your superiors and coworkers with more experience. What a great place this is, you tell yourself over and over.

2. Second Day – You learn how other “workers” shirk and cheat the system, and you are appalled by their disrespect for the job. You scoff at their lazy asses. You work your heiney off and are hoping that your boss notices the hard work and long hours. You are extra respectful to your superiors, apologizing for any mistake you make, even ones you could not have possibly realized were mistakes due to your lack of training and experience. You vow to be the best person ever at your position, and know you will succeed or come damn close.

3. Third Day – You train hard and fast, trying to become as efficient, or more efficient, than your co-workers. Despite the fact that the person training you to operate the office equipment has seven years fewer schooling than you, you listen intently to everything they say and chastise yourself for not knowing as much as they do. You are tired from your long hours but know people are noticing and are glad you are making a difference.

4. Last day of First Week – You can’t believe your first week is over already. You are looking forward to the weekend because you are tired and want to buy new supplies and clothes for the next workweek. You begin to relax, just a little, around your co-workers and take a few short breaks, even cracking a few jokes on company time. You even take a dump at work for the first time. You hope you work a lot faster during your second week.

5. Second week – You work harder and faster, and even begin to impress some of your co-workers, who joke that you are going to be promoted by the end of the week. Despite this, you come to realize half of your training was incorrect or out of date, and the other half you could have picked up in 30 minutes simply by playing around with the equipment yourself. You begin to realize which coworkers are the schmucks and which ones are actually good people. You even leave early or come in late for the first time, but you tell yourself you’re not becoming jaded – no, not you. You’re going to be the best employee ever, and you’re still a lot harder worker than the rest of them. By the way, you wonder, when is that first paycheck coming?

6. End of First Month – You are becoming a lot more efficient now, and because of this, you convince yourself that it’s okay to take a little longer than an hour for lunch or “space out” and go internet surfing or play pinball for 15 minutes every day or so. Besides, everyone else does it. You look at your first paycheck or two and wonder who FICA is and why they need so much of your money. You make your first major purchase with your new money. Hey, you’ve earned it. You begin to wonder how long you should wait before taking your first “sick day” or “vacation day.” Is another week enough?

7. End of Second Month – Those breaks to the water cooler or to another co-worker’s office are becoming a lot longer now, as you attempt to cope with the fact that your job is not the nirvana you thought it would be. Is this what the rest of your life is going to be like, you ask yourself as you pound your third cup of coffee of the morning. Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten wrecked on a Tuesday night, you wonder, before convincing yourself that it’s okay because you work better than everyone else and because you need to have a little excitement in your life to stay human. Besides, if you are a little more inefficient at your job, and someone above you notices, they can piss off, because you’re underpaid, anyway. You surf the internet for an hour after lunch, planning your next vacation – your first big one. Will it be Vegas or South Beach? Either way, you’ll be damned if you take any work with you. As you take off in your old car at 4:30 in the afternoon and hit the highway, you wonder, will you be stuck in this rat race for the rest of your life?

8. End of first Six Months – F**k this job and everyone in it. They’re all a bunch of mindless morons who will be replaced by computers within two decades, you tell yourself, knowing you are right. Your boss just gave you shit on what he calls some “lackluster” effort on your part, but he can eat a dick because you practically do his job for him. It’s not like he’s going to fire you, since your doing two jobs every day – yours and his, and that bastard knows it. Hell, you’d have quit two months ago if you didn’t have bills to pay. You hit the highway at 11:00 a.m. in your new sporty ride, figuring if you make it back from lunch by 1 p.m., no one will be the wiser. If anyone notices, you’ll just fake a cough and call in sick tomorrow, and that’ll teach them. They’ll probably feel real bad about giving you shit about taking a late lunch when those dumbasses think that you were working through the pain! And they’d totally fall for it too! That is, if anyone ever noticed you. But, it’s not like they do. As you arrive at lunch and you are halfway through your second martini, you make a mental note to check the calendar and see when your next block of vacation days hit.

9. End of First Year – This shit is incredible. First, they make you work late last night. For Chrissakes, you didn’t get home until almost 6:30, and that really freaked up your plans – don’t they know you need a few hours to decompress if you’re going to work efficiently for the rest of the week? And then, the nerve of those bastards – you actually have to TRAIN the new person, on top of your other duties. This new person – they’re hot, but what a freaking dumbass they are. Probably slept with some executive to get the job, or maybe got lucky and got the gig by being related to the President or something. That shit is always going on. You pretend to be working as you do your normal morning routine – shoot the shit at the coffee pot for 15 minutes, spend half an hour in the supply room hiding from your work, and checking Career Builder for new openings in your field. It won’t be much longer, you tell yourself, before you’re on to bigger and better. Just as soon as you pay off the house, the car, and the credit card. Oh, shit, wait, you forgot, you have that other credit card, too. The one with the 0% interest that just ran up. Well, maybe in another six months or so. Then, your ass is out the door.

10. End of Second Year – What is this crap? Another lousy raise that probably doesn’t even really match the inflation level. These bastards really get their pound of flesh from you, you tell the new guy. You then realize that the new guy really isn’t that new. Shit, you’ve been doing this for too long. You had better learn that guy’s name soon. You think he figures out why you’re calling him “hey” all the time. Ah, if he can’t take it, screw him. It’s not like they pay you to be nice.

11. End of Third Year – Sure, the new job title and the new business cards are cool, but does it really make up for the shit you put up with? No, you tell yourself. Not at all. That job interview you had last week with that up-and-coming place went well. Hopefully, they’ll be calling soon. You just hope the hours aren’t too long, and the benefits are better. Damn, it’s a jungle out there. What’s on the planner for this week? Let’s see – got to work until 5:30 today, because tomorrow you’ve go that job interview over lunch that you told ‘em was a “doctor’s appointment.” And Friday – it looks good to take off at 4 and play nine holes or maybe see a movie – the boss is out of town at a meeting, and his boss is on vacation. You’ll be on to greener pastures soon, you tell yourself. You think about going back to school for another degree, but it’s too expensive, and you’re too old for that shit, anyway. Tests and shit. Forget that. You may be stuck in the rat race, but it’s better than final exams.