Setting The Record Straight

“Ni**as is actors, n**gas deserve Oscars/ Me, I'm, critically acclaimed, slug past your brain…”

The sole purpose of this entry is to educate the fools within my generation of a very important fact. Although I’m pretty fired up and want to get right into it, some background info is clearly required. Here goes.

[Background: “Wifey” and I recently got satellite dish cable. This was in response to several factors, namely, us being able to use an antenna to pull HD network programming over the air, meaning paying a cable company to send you local channels is stupid; that traditional cable has raised its rates 90% within the past several years with no noticeable increase in quality or programming; the fact that the Florida legislature amended its laws to allow up to a 10% increase per year in cable without the cable companies having to get the traditional regulatory approval (meaning such hikes will continue); and the fact that since we bundle our internet with our home phone, we have no use for the assholes at Brighthouse Networks. Satellite cable is pretty awesome so far, though also overpriced. We got two DVRs, HBO free for three months, cable in three rooms, HD channels in the living room free for ten months, and a bigger array of channels for less than the price of digital cable with Shite-house Networks. One of the new additions is an agreement with SIRIUS to provide digital music channels. Much to my enjoyment, there are like a hundred music channels, including an interesting one called “SIRIUS-ly Sinatra.” Bad pun notwithstanding, I tuned in, hoping to get my Rat Pack on. Much to my chagrin, after tuning in like ten times, I could count hearing only one damn Frank Sinatra song. This was unacceptable. R.D. readers, I’d like to tell you I started a quest of complaints, letters, and phone calls to my cable company until the radio station lived up to its billing. However, I instead just took it in the tailpipe and went out and bought a greatest hits Sinatra double CD. Although, to my defense, I found it new online from a home business on Amazon for half the store price. Long story short, the CD is awesome, and it provided a much-needed respite from the hip hop stations and boring morning shows that were contributing to my early-morning and early-evening malaise. Yes, everything was fairly right with the world and my ears. This was until a colleague of mine commented to me to the effect that my liking Frank Sinatra was “gay.” Background over.]

Let me not mince words here. Other than perhaps the patron saint of this blog, Frank Sinatra is the manliest singer of all time. His voice, his style, his clothing, his lifestyle, his lyrics, his insistence on never changing for anyone, for any reason, exudes a manliness never before seen on record and which likely will never be seen again. Let’s examine the facts, people, which make this conclusion undeniable:

1. The themes of Sinatra’s songs. Basically, all of his songs boil down to these central themes: a) Screw you, b) I want to screw you, c) I just screwed you, d) I drank a lot and screwed a lot of women, e) Hey, this is a great party, and f) These are some cities where the booze is great and the women are hot. Yes, it’s true, some songs of his are love songs and serve to profess his love for one solitary woman, but you realize the manliness inherent in Sinatra when you come to realize that EVERY SONG WAS ABOUT A DIFFERENT WOMAN, and he probably used each song to bed a myriad of ladies.

2. Longevity. Frank Sinatra’s musical career is one of the longest in American history, with him being a nationally-recognized performer churning out hit after hit from 1940 until the 1980s, stopping only for several brief “retirements” which his fans wouldn’t stand for and to make Oscar-winning movies. Sinatra performed in front of live audiences in an unprecedented seven decades (1930s through 1990s) with the same style and class throughout. Think of every iconic singer you can think of: Elvis Presley, The Beatles, Ray Charles, Madonna. Think of how often their musical style changed. Think of how “long” their careers were. Then compare it to the Chairman of the Board. He makes everyone seem like a flash in the pan. Not to mention he invented the idea of the “concept album” LP which would be copied by all of these artists and many more who followed him.

3. Swinging the Jimmy. Frank Sinatra got any girl he wanted, any time, anywhere. He personified the lifestyle used by Hugh Hefner to sell a magazine called “Playboy.” Maybe you’ve heard of it. Meet the inspiration. In fact, contrary to a popular fairy tale people get from the book/movie “The Godfather,” Sinatra did not get his Oscar-winning role in the movie “From Here to Eternity” because of mafia involvement. He got it because the woman he was bedding at the time convinced the studio head’s wife to go to bat for him. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if the side story that the producer didn’t want to cast him because he stole away “the greatest piece of ass [he’d] ever had” was 100% true.

4. Hoover? Damn. Frank Sinatra’s FBI file was 2403 pages long.

5. He owned everything he touched. Vinyl? Owned. Celluloid? Owned. Record Companies? Owned. Women? Gotcha. Billboard Charts? Also owned. There’s a reason they call this man “The Chairman of the Board.” He was tops at every creative project he undertook. Record Label treating him like shit? His answer: Peace, bitches. Sinatra started his own record label with an unprecedented degree of creative control never before known to any musical artist. Sinatra got final say on his songs, the content, the recording sessions, the order of the album and its cover, and pretty much anything else he wanted. He reinvented swing music, single-handedly changing its focus from “the band” to “the singer.” He invented the aforementioned concept album. He didn’t leave his persona as a “lounge singer” by the wayside when he got big. He made the fans come to the lounge. And they did, in greater numbers than ever before. He was one of the most successful cross-over entertainers of all time in terms of both box-office success and critical acclaim. His movies and his albums were always among the highest grossing entertainment of the year, and were almost universally lauded by critics.

6. Don’t get mad. Don’t get even. Get mad and get even. This was not the man to cross. Case in point: Sinatra was an avid Democrat for most of his life. In fact, he helped win JFK the presidency in 1960, and even helped introduce one of the modern era’s most philandering presidents to women. However, after JFK dissed Sinatra by beginning to avoid him, Sinatra switched sides, helping both Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan attain the presidency. Notice which side has been dominating presidential politics in the past three decades since “The Chairman” made “The Switch.” (Okay, Jimmy Carter helped this along a little, too).

7. Analyze This! I want to share with you these essay excerpts from an essay about Sinatra in one of his greatest hits CDs: First, where “singers before Sinatra could administer polite scoldings in song, he opened a Pandora’s box of negative emotions. The joy, eagerness, and excitement of his more aggressive performances often coincided with an undisguised arrogance, disgust, and even rage. At long last, the full range of human emotion had been unleashed” …. “Sinatra’s assertion of macho values exploded the stereotype of the male singer as a well-mannered, sweet talking, choirboy politely courting a woman on bended knee” .… Sinatra “towered over a pop scene dominated by creamy balladeers, whiny teen idols and ‘The Twist’”….. Sinatra “phallicized the microphone, infusing crooning with erotic tenderness and transforming a style intended to soothe into one that seduced.” Translation: Frank Sinatra personified unabashed cock on vinyl.

8. My Way. Oh, yeah, and despite living through two World Wars, the Great Depression, countless broken engagements and marriages, and three lifetimes’ worth of booze, tobacco, and tail, he lived until the ripe-old age of 82.

You’ve been schooled. And, if I don’t say so myself, this entry, like a fine wine, was a very good year.