C-Notes
“If I should die before I wake…..”
There has been a TON of web traffic over the years on the lame “hundred things to do before I die” blog list. In fact, the R.D. has seen a ton of it lately. I saw a recent blog of a friend of a friend actually go through the entire hundred, and Ceej has recently penned a more sensible top-ten list. Girl, don’t lament not being able to list the full hundred, it’s a waste of time and web space. My life is not a hundred bottles of beer on the wall song, and I don’t want it to be. For those of you who were wondering, here’s how yours truly would approach a “hundred things” list.
1. I’ll skip the TMI and simply state that I have accomplished at least five of the “intimacy-related” things on my list.
2. This leaves me needing to compile a list of 95 things left to accomplish in life. However, I object to this, because it’s too much like Martin Luther’s 95 theses. I’m not going to give in to that reformationist Protestant bullshit. So, I am cutting #95 off my list in protest.
3. This leaves me with 94 things left to accomplish in life. However, I’d like to state that my life is at least (and hopefully) a quarter over, and I know that those years haven’t been wasted. In fact, I’d venture to guess that I’ve done at least 30 unique leisure and entertainment-type things already that the average person would put on their list. For instance, betcha didn’t know I’ve already a) appeared in a dance recital, b) been a witness in court, c) driven 70 miles per hour over the posted speed limit (that’s right, the speed limit over the speed limit), and d) sat in a luxury box during the NBA playoffs.
4. This leaves me with 64 things left to accomplish. But, I bet on the average person’s list, at least 10 things relate to the conquest of the opposite sex. (i.e., I’d like to be with a white/black, tall/short, fat/skinny, acrobatic/handicapped partner). As I am in a committed relationship, I am leaving such nonsense off my list because it offends my ever-vigilant efforts to be monogamous.
5. This leaves me with 54 things left to accomplish. However, the average person always has about 15 academic-based regrets they want to remedy in life. I have already done these things correctly the first time up, so I am omitting them from my list. For instance, I have more than enough schooling to never wish to go back to school. I have a professional license. I talked back to my mean 1st grade teacher (I brought a fake credit card in to class, and when she told me I was in trouble, I pulled out the card and told her I’d charge my way out of trouble – it was awesome). I got something of mine published. Mission accomplished.
6. This leaves me with 39 things left to accomplish. But, John Q. Public has at least 15 ownership-related things on his list which I have already accomplished. I’ve already bought my own car. I’ve already bought my own home. I own several of those pennies from World War II that were not made of copper due to the war effort. I have a Disney Dollar. Suffice it to say, all my materialistic-based goals have been met.
7. This leaves me with 24 things to take care of before I die. However, the average person has at least 5 alcohol-related goals on their list. Because I went to an American law school, I am sure that I have already accomplished all of these drinking-based goals and do not wish to revisit the morning that followed such achievements.
8. This leaves me with a list of 19 things to do before I die. Notice, though, that the average person has 10 travel-based tasks on their list. I am confident that I have already been there, done that. Literally. For instance, I’ve been to a centuries-old cathedral. I’ve stayed in an Italian villa. I’ve been to Bourbon Street and all the NYC monuments. I’ve floated in the waters of the Caribbean. In fact, I’ve even been to the mecca of the world, West Memphis, Arkansas.
9. This leaves me with 9 things to do before the end. However, the average Joe has at least 5 celebrities on his list that he wants to meet before he dies. While I must admit I haven’t really met any celebrities, unless you count Justice Scalia or Misty Blue, the 1980s female wrestling star, this list of celebrities has to remain static throughout one’s life. For instance, while five or six years ago I sure would have wanted to meet Britney Spears, I think it might be one of my life’s goals now to stay as far away from her as possible. So, I am cutting these off my list because I don’t know which celebrities I’ll meet, although I’m confident that I’ll meet at least five big ones in the years to come.
10. This leaves me with 4 things to do before the end. But, note that most people have at least 3 food-related goals in life. Based on my ever-fluctuating waistline, and past buffet prowess, I can testify that I have reached all of these goals, and then some.
11. This leaves me with one thing left to do in life:
Go to bed.
Check.
There has been a TON of web traffic over the years on the lame “hundred things to do before I die” blog list. In fact, the R.D. has seen a ton of it lately. I saw a recent blog of a friend of a friend actually go through the entire hundred, and Ceej has recently penned a more sensible top-ten list. Girl, don’t lament not being able to list the full hundred, it’s a waste of time and web space. My life is not a hundred bottles of beer on the wall song, and I don’t want it to be. For those of you who were wondering, here’s how yours truly would approach a “hundred things” list.
1. I’ll skip the TMI and simply state that I have accomplished at least five of the “intimacy-related” things on my list.
2. This leaves me needing to compile a list of 95 things left to accomplish in life. However, I object to this, because it’s too much like Martin Luther’s 95 theses. I’m not going to give in to that reformationist Protestant bullshit. So, I am cutting #95 off my list in protest.
3. This leaves me with 94 things left to accomplish in life. However, I’d like to state that my life is at least (and hopefully) a quarter over, and I know that those years haven’t been wasted. In fact, I’d venture to guess that I’ve done at least 30 unique leisure and entertainment-type things already that the average person would put on their list. For instance, betcha didn’t know I’ve already a) appeared in a dance recital, b) been a witness in court, c) driven 70 miles per hour over the posted speed limit (that’s right, the speed limit over the speed limit), and d) sat in a luxury box during the NBA playoffs.
4. This leaves me with 64 things left to accomplish. But, I bet on the average person’s list, at least 10 things relate to the conquest of the opposite sex. (i.e., I’d like to be with a white/black, tall/short, fat/skinny, acrobatic/handicapped partner). As I am in a committed relationship, I am leaving such nonsense off my list because it offends my ever-vigilant efforts to be monogamous.
5. This leaves me with 54 things left to accomplish. However, the average person always has about 15 academic-based regrets they want to remedy in life. I have already done these things correctly the first time up, so I am omitting them from my list. For instance, I have more than enough schooling to never wish to go back to school. I have a professional license. I talked back to my mean 1st grade teacher (I brought a fake credit card in to class, and when she told me I was in trouble, I pulled out the card and told her I’d charge my way out of trouble – it was awesome). I got something of mine published. Mission accomplished.
6. This leaves me with 39 things left to accomplish. But, John Q. Public has at least 15 ownership-related things on his list which I have already accomplished. I’ve already bought my own car. I’ve already bought my own home. I own several of those pennies from World War II that were not made of copper due to the war effort. I have a Disney Dollar. Suffice it to say, all my materialistic-based goals have been met.
7. This leaves me with 24 things to take care of before I die. However, the average person has at least 5 alcohol-related goals on their list. Because I went to an American law school, I am sure that I have already accomplished all of these drinking-based goals and do not wish to revisit the morning that followed such achievements.
8. This leaves me with a list of 19 things to do before I die. Notice, though, that the average person has 10 travel-based tasks on their list. I am confident that I have already been there, done that. Literally. For instance, I’ve been to a centuries-old cathedral. I’ve stayed in an Italian villa. I’ve been to Bourbon Street and all the NYC monuments. I’ve floated in the waters of the Caribbean. In fact, I’ve even been to the mecca of the world, West Memphis, Arkansas.
9. This leaves me with 9 things to do before the end. However, the average Joe has at least 5 celebrities on his list that he wants to meet before he dies. While I must admit I haven’t really met any celebrities, unless you count Justice Scalia or Misty Blue, the 1980s female wrestling star, this list of celebrities has to remain static throughout one’s life. For instance, while five or six years ago I sure would have wanted to meet Britney Spears, I think it might be one of my life’s goals now to stay as far away from her as possible. So, I am cutting these off my list because I don’t know which celebrities I’ll meet, although I’m confident that I’ll meet at least five big ones in the years to come.
10. This leaves me with 4 things to do before the end. But, note that most people have at least 3 food-related goals in life. Based on my ever-fluctuating waistline, and past buffet prowess, I can testify that I have reached all of these goals, and then some.
11. This leaves me with one thing left to do in life:
Go to bed.
Check.
posted by TheRealDookie | 12:12 AM
1 Comments:
You are such a wise-ass. Who puts alcohol related goals on their list? I think anyone whose goals include kegstands probably isn't going to make a list...but that's just me.
Maybe I should make a new list with just one thing on it: Be more like the RD.
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