A Penny Saved.....
“A n--ga never been as broke as me, I like that…”
Since at least one of my friends apparently things my blog could be interpreted as “offensive to women,” (I’ve never really understood that term, since anything one man does can be offensive to two women, somewhere. Fortunately, I got the okay from “Wifey,” who says the site is NOT offensive to her as a woman, but IS offensive to her as my wife), I figured I’d switch gears to discuss a few helpful tips for the financially-challenged out there, of which I am definitely a group.
A few months ago, in the middle of our low-tide period for money, our housing search, and right after we got our Christmas credit card bills, my wife got fired because the assholes she worked for found out she would be leaving later this year, and doctored up some phony reasons to fire her (How did they find out, you ask? Because they promised her that if she was honest with them about the day she would be leaving, they wouldn’t fire her……nice guys, huh?). Anyway, since a) I didn’t want to do the rich-kid thing and beg my parents for money; and b) my parents and I are not rich, so that wouldn’t work anyway, we had to drastically cut our budget in order to survive. And, as this blog should teach the 3 of you out there who read it regularly, I can’t do anything halfway, especially when money is involved.
Well, “Wifey” and I did the obvious and cut down on some luxuries, but I was not satisfied with the bottom line, and so I started “going crazy,” according to her, becoming cheaper than Scrooge McDuck. But I ask, “What does she know?” Here are some great money-saving tips I came up with along the way, my reputation be damned:
1. Hunt down store closings with the hunger that a vampire would feel after watching a Tarantino movie.
My local mall is notorious for stores not renewing their leases. Earlier this year, I caught a “Champs Sports” store closing, with everything 70% off. I went nuts, buying shoes, clothes, athletic gear, balls, and presents for the family. I bought 6 pairs of shoes in a week. I got a pair of kids’ Air Jordans for $5. I took care of a belated Christmas present for my brother, also. All in all, I spent about $150 for about $400 worth of items, and now have 2 years worth of athletic outfits. I’m the Imelda Marcos of rubber-bottomed sneakers.
2. Take advantage of free things that rich, upper middle-class, or people with what I like to refer to as “a sense of shame” take for granted.
For instance: you can stack your house with condiments, napkins, silverware, and straws from one trip to a fast food restaurant for carry-out. I went to taco bell the other day and bought one bean burrito to go. I walked out with that bean burrito, but also with my pockets stuffed with napkins, condiments, etc. I also stuffed the to-go bag with other items. All told, I left TB with about 150 napkins, 10 packets of “Fire” Sauce, and the sweetest bean burrito I’ve ever tasted. Total cost: 97 cents. Now THAT’s a dollar menu!!!!
3. It’s better to wear 3 sweaters than to give the bastards who run the local public utilities an extra cent of your money.
Utility bills are especially bad in Nash Vegas, where several corrupt practices lead to a per-capita electricity bill rate that it outrageous. For instance, whether or not you use one Kilowatt hour of electricity or ten thousand, the electric company charges you a “Customer Charge” of $75 per year (roughly $6 a month) just for the potential of you using electricity. Furthermore, Nashville citizens were just subject to a 7% increase in rates, in order to subsidize a 5% reduction of rates to the local Saturn automobile plant, to keep them afloat (I say, their cars MELT when near heat, let them die slow). Finally, my current home is also the home of a lot of idiots who use too much electricity, making the rates higher for the rest of us. For instance, “LightLady,” a former work colleague of my wife, confessed that it is a requirement in her house that she leave every light on at all times during the day. If it proved too expensive, she said, she would just get a smaller house (Ironically, the light bulb on her head does not seem to have been “on” for a long while). This brings me to my point – don’t use electricity unless you absolutely have to. I turned the thermostat down 5 degrees, and turn it off when no one is home. I shut the computer down every night. When using the oven or toaster oven, I leave it open after cooking, to get “free heat.” I turned the ‘Fridge down to a warmer setting. I catch all unused lights and fans that are left on. I’m an electro-Nazi. We now use 2/3 of the electricity we did at the same time last year. I would like to just use the excuse that “Hey, I’m Green, I’m saving our environment,” (and I probably will, if confronted), but I’m just cheap.
4. Complaints? Call 1-888-Free-Bee!!!
My wife and I are magnets for poor food service. As Joe Pesci stated in Lethal Weapon 2, a fundamental maxim of eating out is… “They F-CK you at the drive-thru!” And it happens to us nearly every single time. My response? I call them on it. Cold pizza? Complain online. Missed order? Make a phone call. No response? Write a letter. I got so good at it, and my comments were so persuasive, that I was actually hired by a major restaurant chain to be a bi-monthly mystery shopper. We get a free meal every two to three weeks, and all we have to do is rate the service according to guidelines. It is the best deal ever, and is really a good alternative to the Ramen Noodles or Hot Dogs we usually eat. And you know me; I put my heart into the ratings.
5. Free Drawing? Be all about the paper, mayn!
The online legal research pushers at our law school are all about one thing: getting ‘em hooked, early. It’s a lot like crack, although I think I can stop (maybe). But they offer tons of free prizes and drawings every month to you in exchange for your time and use. And I figured if I’m going to go for a free prize, I’m going (big surprise)…… all the way! I started using these sites like 5 times a day. I do all free rewards points giveaways I can get my hands on. And it worked…..in two months, I’ve earned $50 in gift certificates to various restaurants, enough points for two electrical jigsaws, a free MP3 player, and entries into a chance for a big prize giveaway. And sometimes they have presentations where you can get a free meal, as well. At one legal research training session, I took 7 fried chicken sandwiches home with me, which was lunch for like 3 days. And the principle works for other prizes and situations, too….I found out there’s even a magazine that lists all of the “no purchase necessary” giveaways throughout the U.S. If I could afford it, I’d be on that, but for now, I’m working on my third jigsaw…..
6. Try to “settle everything out of court….”
Some one sends you a past-due bill amount? Not sure if it’s bull or a genuine debt? Can’t afford it anyway? Try sending a nasty letter and a check for a portion of the amount…..be legalistic, honest, and stern, and do it before it goes to a collection agency. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it’s not worth the company’s resources to fight you, and it’s more economical to do a “write off.” But pick and choose your battles….because your credit rating is more important than avoiding a dumb bill. And just for the record, I’m not advocating anything illegal, unlike what many of these companies tell their customer service reps. to do. In fact, I see this as an alternative to an all-or-nothing approach, where you pay $0 and then can’t get a car loan for 7 years. If it’s a genuine bill, though, just pay it, and then turn your thermostat down to make up for it. Bang Bang!
There are a lot of other little annoying things I do, but I did a cost-benefit analysis, and it probably doesn’t save me enough money on the long run to use the energy to type it up here. See me for details. Time is money, bitches!!!!!
NOTE: I apologize for the self-censorship above, but some people might be upset with me if I left high-level profanity in here, even if it was clearly someone else’s direct quote.
Since at least one of my friends apparently things my blog could be interpreted as “offensive to women,” (I’ve never really understood that term, since anything one man does can be offensive to two women, somewhere. Fortunately, I got the okay from “Wifey,” who says the site is NOT offensive to her as a woman, but IS offensive to her as my wife), I figured I’d switch gears to discuss a few helpful tips for the financially-challenged out there, of which I am definitely a group.
A few months ago, in the middle of our low-tide period for money, our housing search, and right after we got our Christmas credit card bills, my wife got fired because the assholes she worked for found out she would be leaving later this year, and doctored up some phony reasons to fire her (How did they find out, you ask? Because they promised her that if she was honest with them about the day she would be leaving, they wouldn’t fire her……nice guys, huh?). Anyway, since a) I didn’t want to do the rich-kid thing and beg my parents for money; and b) my parents and I are not rich, so that wouldn’t work anyway, we had to drastically cut our budget in order to survive. And, as this blog should teach the 3 of you out there who read it regularly, I can’t do anything halfway, especially when money is involved.
Well, “Wifey” and I did the obvious and cut down on some luxuries, but I was not satisfied with the bottom line, and so I started “going crazy,” according to her, becoming cheaper than Scrooge McDuck. But I ask, “What does she know?” Here are some great money-saving tips I came up with along the way, my reputation be damned:
1. Hunt down store closings with the hunger that a vampire would feel after watching a Tarantino movie.
My local mall is notorious for stores not renewing their leases. Earlier this year, I caught a “Champs Sports” store closing, with everything 70% off. I went nuts, buying shoes, clothes, athletic gear, balls, and presents for the family. I bought 6 pairs of shoes in a week. I got a pair of kids’ Air Jordans for $5. I took care of a belated Christmas present for my brother, also. All in all, I spent about $150 for about $400 worth of items, and now have 2 years worth of athletic outfits. I’m the Imelda Marcos of rubber-bottomed sneakers.
2. Take advantage of free things that rich, upper middle-class, or people with what I like to refer to as “a sense of shame” take for granted.
For instance: you can stack your house with condiments, napkins, silverware, and straws from one trip to a fast food restaurant for carry-out. I went to taco bell the other day and bought one bean burrito to go. I walked out with that bean burrito, but also with my pockets stuffed with napkins, condiments, etc. I also stuffed the to-go bag with other items. All told, I left TB with about 150 napkins, 10 packets of “Fire” Sauce, and the sweetest bean burrito I’ve ever tasted. Total cost: 97 cents. Now THAT’s a dollar menu!!!!
3. It’s better to wear 3 sweaters than to give the bastards who run the local public utilities an extra cent of your money.
Utility bills are especially bad in Nash Vegas, where several corrupt practices lead to a per-capita electricity bill rate that it outrageous. For instance, whether or not you use one Kilowatt hour of electricity or ten thousand, the electric company charges you a “Customer Charge” of $75 per year (roughly $6 a month) just for the potential of you using electricity. Furthermore, Nashville citizens were just subject to a 7% increase in rates, in order to subsidize a 5% reduction of rates to the local Saturn automobile plant, to keep them afloat (I say, their cars MELT when near heat, let them die slow). Finally, my current home is also the home of a lot of idiots who use too much electricity, making the rates higher for the rest of us. For instance, “LightLady,” a former work colleague of my wife, confessed that it is a requirement in her house that she leave every light on at all times during the day. If it proved too expensive, she said, she would just get a smaller house (Ironically, the light bulb on her head does not seem to have been “on” for a long while). This brings me to my point – don’t use electricity unless you absolutely have to. I turned the thermostat down 5 degrees, and turn it off when no one is home. I shut the computer down every night. When using the oven or toaster oven, I leave it open after cooking, to get “free heat.” I turned the ‘Fridge down to a warmer setting. I catch all unused lights and fans that are left on. I’m an electro-Nazi. We now use 2/3 of the electricity we did at the same time last year. I would like to just use the excuse that “Hey, I’m Green, I’m saving our environment,” (and I probably will, if confronted), but I’m just cheap.
4. Complaints? Call 1-888-Free-Bee!!!
My wife and I are magnets for poor food service. As Joe Pesci stated in Lethal Weapon 2, a fundamental maxim of eating out is… “They F-CK you at the drive-thru!” And it happens to us nearly every single time. My response? I call them on it. Cold pizza? Complain online. Missed order? Make a phone call. No response? Write a letter. I got so good at it, and my comments were so persuasive, that I was actually hired by a major restaurant chain to be a bi-monthly mystery shopper. We get a free meal every two to three weeks, and all we have to do is rate the service according to guidelines. It is the best deal ever, and is really a good alternative to the Ramen Noodles or Hot Dogs we usually eat. And you know me; I put my heart into the ratings.
5. Free Drawing? Be all about the paper, mayn!
The online legal research pushers at our law school are all about one thing: getting ‘em hooked, early. It’s a lot like crack, although I think I can stop (maybe). But they offer tons of free prizes and drawings every month to you in exchange for your time and use. And I figured if I’m going to go for a free prize, I’m going (big surprise)…… all the way! I started using these sites like 5 times a day. I do all free rewards points giveaways I can get my hands on. And it worked…..in two months, I’ve earned $50 in gift certificates to various restaurants, enough points for two electrical jigsaws, a free MP3 player, and entries into a chance for a big prize giveaway. And sometimes they have presentations where you can get a free meal, as well. At one legal research training session, I took 7 fried chicken sandwiches home with me, which was lunch for like 3 days. And the principle works for other prizes and situations, too….I found out there’s even a magazine that lists all of the “no purchase necessary” giveaways throughout the U.S. If I could afford it, I’d be on that, but for now, I’m working on my third jigsaw…..
6. Try to “settle everything out of court….”
Some one sends you a past-due bill amount? Not sure if it’s bull or a genuine debt? Can’t afford it anyway? Try sending a nasty letter and a check for a portion of the amount…..be legalistic, honest, and stern, and do it before it goes to a collection agency. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it’s not worth the company’s resources to fight you, and it’s more economical to do a “write off.” But pick and choose your battles….because your credit rating is more important than avoiding a dumb bill. And just for the record, I’m not advocating anything illegal, unlike what many of these companies tell their customer service reps. to do. In fact, I see this as an alternative to an all-or-nothing approach, where you pay $0 and then can’t get a car loan for 7 years. If it’s a genuine bill, though, just pay it, and then turn your thermostat down to make up for it. Bang Bang!
There are a lot of other little annoying things I do, but I did a cost-benefit analysis, and it probably doesn’t save me enough money on the long run to use the energy to type it up here. See me for details. Time is money, bitches!!!!!
NOTE: I apologize for the self-censorship above, but some people might be upset with me if I left high-level profanity in here, even if it was clearly someone else’s direct quote.
posted by TheRealDookie | 4:50 PM
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