Dubba…..Dubba…..WB!!!
“….I slay from far away/ Everybody hit the D-E-C-K…”
I grew up in a relatively small county in Florida. It’s not so much that there were no people there, but that it grew really, really fast, way ahead of commercial development, so there was absolutely nothing cool for teenagers to do within half an hour’s drive. So, many of us had to make our own fun. Now, as you already know, I’m not into drugs, violent crime, or skateboarding, and neither are my friends, so we had to come up with something else to do. “WB-ing” was frequently the answer. Let me explain.
My friends and I from high school started a dangerous tradition which we simply refer to now as “WB-ing.” The darn-near fine art of the WB has developed many forms over the years, so that WB now stands for multiple things, such as “White Bombing,” “Water Ballooning,” or “Wet Bystanders.” Basically, “White Bombing” is a variation of what many teens refer to as “egging,” although we gave it special rules. “Water Ballooning” is our form of egging with water balloons. “Wet Bystanders” are simply what results from all the madness.
My friends and I, who were clearly young, upstanding members of the community who were all going somewhere, were obviously risk-averse and thus we developed special rules for WB-ing. Here are the most important ones:
The WB Rules:
1. WB-ing should never, ever be implemented against anyone or anything that has the potential to turn around and chase the group. WB-ing is the art of the silent assassin. [M.C. violated this, the most sacred rule, once, and paid for it. But, that is another story].
2. No one inducted into the WB group is allowed to tell any WB victim that they or anyone else in the group was behind the WB raid. WB-ing is the art of the secret assassin.
3. If there is any objection to a potential WB target, it must be spoken clearly and before the act takes place. In other words, speak then or forever hold your peace. WB-ing is the art of the assassin in harmony with his fellow assassins.
4. One person shall ALWAYS stay with the car. WB-ing is the art of the assassin who always has a getaway plan.
5. As a matter of preference, WB-ing should be implemented against a bad person first, whenever possible. WB-ing is an art that should not offend notions of karma.
My friends and I had lots of informal protocols, as well. For instance, sensing that four 18-year-olds buying three dozen eggs at 9 at night looked kind of suspicious, I came up with the idea that we should also buy cooking ingredients, like vegetable oil, milk, and cake mix at the same time to avert suspicion. Then, a partner and I would openly talk about baking in the store, saying things like, “Does Mom need sprinkles, too?”, or, “Does that shit bake at 350 or 375?”, or “Man, they’re right,……NOBODY does it like Sara Lee!”
Now, I have TONS of great stories about WB raids gone wrong in the past, and if there is any demand out there, I would love to get into them. But first things first. M.C. has blogged about his dream team for basketball, let me tell you about my dream team for WB-ing. This will be helpful so that “The WB Stories,” possibly my next blogging misadventure, will not need a lot of introductory material. Here goes.
The WB Dream Team:
Name: Fat Stack
Intangibles: So nicknamed because his early physical maturity and brute strength allowed him to lift vast amounts of weight on the nautilus machines in our high school gym, Fat Stack has the tools to be a first-ballot hall-of-famer for WB-ing. He’s tall, accurate, knows a lot about his surroundings, and most importantly, is the most creative WBer of all time. Once, Fat Stack sprinkled cake mix and oil on top of somebody’s car, instead of giving them the usual WB treatment. He’s crafty like that. Also, as an added advantage, he’s a southpaw, a must-have because he can strategically be seated behind the driver with no complaints.
Killer Move: The Drive-by or Run-by Cake Mixing.
Weaknesses: Always working; Never returns calls; Not the best sprinter.
Name: M.C. Coppin
Intangibles: First of all, M.C. owns a Chrysler LeBaron convertible, making him the ultimate WB driving machine. He has perfected the art of the drive-by WB, which includes driving under intense conditions. Furthermore, at 6’1”, M.C. personifies his nickname, “The Vacuum,” as M.C. can WB all those hard-to-reach places. He is also intelligent and quick on his feet – M.C. knows the location at any given time of two or three assholes who could use a good egg in the back of their pick-up bed. Finally, he’s absolutely ruthless – against others’ wishes, he even once went after an old man walking his dog.
Killer Move: “The Lob” -- M.C. has perfected the art of accurately lobbing the projectile over the windshield of his convertible while driving at a high rate of speed.
Weaknesses: Lack of judgment; Tendency for reckless WB-ing; Too often breaks Rule #1.
Name: Leminem
Intangibles: Leminem, a wiry WB-er with a good attitude, is an ideal WB companion. He is often content with the less-coveted backseat and possesses great foot speed for those excursions which necessitate the lack of a motor vehicle. His most important attribute is that Leminem is extremely lucky, causing TheRealDookie to often comment “Leminem, you sleep with the Pope.” Often, his errant throws end up hitting their intended target anyway, much to the amazement of his partners-in-crime.
Killer Move: “The Magic Bullet” – an errant egg throw which miraculously bounces off of the grass and hits its intended target anyway.
Weaknesses: Lack of accuracy; Lack of “killer instinct.”
Name: Cue
Intangibles: Cue, an engineer with an eye for good design, is a key planner in the often over-looked planning stages of a WB raid. He is excellent with finding an inconspicuous site to buy supplies and another to load up the car and fill up the water balloons. He has an uncanny ability to remember who gets what share of eggs and how many each person has used. A master administrator. Finally, his unique laugh, which is as rapid and almost as high-pitched as a young schoolgirl’s, often re-energizes a WB group which is fatigued or suffers from low morale.
Killer Move: “The Shotgun” – 3 or 4 projectiles at a close-range target.
Weaknesses: Sometimes moody; Lack of arm strength makes him less than ideal for long-range targets.
Name: Savvy
Intangibles: A tall, athletic, and creative WB-er with tons of baseball experience, Savvy is close to the total package. He can hit long and short range targets with ease, and is always game for a raid. A popular individual, Savvy also often knows of local parties where both cars and assholes are clustered together, allowing the WB team to conduct a more efficacious raid.
Killer Move: Any long-range throw of an egg.
Weaknesses: Possesses all of the physical tools, but often suffers from a need to invite less-reliable and more reckless cohorts.
Name: TheRealDookie
Intangibles: A strong, stocky, intelligent assassin, The R.D., like Cue, is an excellent WB planner, with a mind for flawless preparation, virtually undetectable evidence disposal, and rule-making, and the ability to enforce those rules across a wide spectrum of would-be assassins. His throws are powerful and largely accurate, and he’s also quite creative with all kinds of projectiles, large and small. A good all-around assassin.
Killer Move: The Denter – a hard, fast throw of an egg that dents mailboxes and cars. Sometimes, he can even make the egg come to impact the projectile on one of its ends, creating a loud “bang” before the egg falls and splatters on the ground below. A true master of the “Shock and Awe” Campaign.
Weaknesses: Worries a lot; Experiences a lot of bad luck with water balloons; Often accidentally pops a water balloon on his lap, making it look like he “Dookied” his pants.
More to Come!
I grew up in a relatively small county in Florida. It’s not so much that there were no people there, but that it grew really, really fast, way ahead of commercial development, so there was absolutely nothing cool for teenagers to do within half an hour’s drive. So, many of us had to make our own fun. Now, as you already know, I’m not into drugs, violent crime, or skateboarding, and neither are my friends, so we had to come up with something else to do. “WB-ing” was frequently the answer. Let me explain.
My friends and I from high school started a dangerous tradition which we simply refer to now as “WB-ing.” The darn-near fine art of the WB has developed many forms over the years, so that WB now stands for multiple things, such as “White Bombing,” “Water Ballooning,” or “Wet Bystanders.” Basically, “White Bombing” is a variation of what many teens refer to as “egging,” although we gave it special rules. “Water Ballooning” is our form of egging with water balloons. “Wet Bystanders” are simply what results from all the madness.
My friends and I, who were clearly young, upstanding members of the community who were all going somewhere, were obviously risk-averse and thus we developed special rules for WB-ing. Here are the most important ones:
The WB Rules:
1. WB-ing should never, ever be implemented against anyone or anything that has the potential to turn around and chase the group. WB-ing is the art of the silent assassin. [M.C. violated this, the most sacred rule, once, and paid for it. But, that is another story].
2. No one inducted into the WB group is allowed to tell any WB victim that they or anyone else in the group was behind the WB raid. WB-ing is the art of the secret assassin.
3. If there is any objection to a potential WB target, it must be spoken clearly and before the act takes place. In other words, speak then or forever hold your peace. WB-ing is the art of the assassin in harmony with his fellow assassins.
4. One person shall ALWAYS stay with the car. WB-ing is the art of the assassin who always has a getaway plan.
5. As a matter of preference, WB-ing should be implemented against a bad person first, whenever possible. WB-ing is an art that should not offend notions of karma.
My friends and I had lots of informal protocols, as well. For instance, sensing that four 18-year-olds buying three dozen eggs at 9 at night looked kind of suspicious, I came up with the idea that we should also buy cooking ingredients, like vegetable oil, milk, and cake mix at the same time to avert suspicion. Then, a partner and I would openly talk about baking in the store, saying things like, “Does Mom need sprinkles, too?”, or, “Does that shit bake at 350 or 375?”, or “Man, they’re right,……NOBODY does it like Sara Lee!”
Now, I have TONS of great stories about WB raids gone wrong in the past, and if there is any demand out there, I would love to get into them. But first things first. M.C. has blogged about his dream team for basketball, let me tell you about my dream team for WB-ing. This will be helpful so that “The WB Stories,” possibly my next blogging misadventure, will not need a lot of introductory material. Here goes.
The WB Dream Team:
Name: Fat Stack
Intangibles: So nicknamed because his early physical maturity and brute strength allowed him to lift vast amounts of weight on the nautilus machines in our high school gym, Fat Stack has the tools to be a first-ballot hall-of-famer for WB-ing. He’s tall, accurate, knows a lot about his surroundings, and most importantly, is the most creative WBer of all time. Once, Fat Stack sprinkled cake mix and oil on top of somebody’s car, instead of giving them the usual WB treatment. He’s crafty like that. Also, as an added advantage, he’s a southpaw, a must-have because he can strategically be seated behind the driver with no complaints.
Killer Move: The Drive-by or Run-by Cake Mixing.
Weaknesses: Always working; Never returns calls; Not the best sprinter.
Name: M.C. Coppin
Intangibles: First of all, M.C. owns a Chrysler LeBaron convertible, making him the ultimate WB driving machine. He has perfected the art of the drive-by WB, which includes driving under intense conditions. Furthermore, at 6’1”, M.C. personifies his nickname, “The Vacuum,” as M.C. can WB all those hard-to-reach places. He is also intelligent and quick on his feet – M.C. knows the location at any given time of two or three assholes who could use a good egg in the back of their pick-up bed. Finally, he’s absolutely ruthless – against others’ wishes, he even once went after an old man walking his dog.
Killer Move: “The Lob” -- M.C. has perfected the art of accurately lobbing the projectile over the windshield of his convertible while driving at a high rate of speed.
Weaknesses: Lack of judgment; Tendency for reckless WB-ing; Too often breaks Rule #1.
Name: Leminem
Intangibles: Leminem, a wiry WB-er with a good attitude, is an ideal WB companion. He is often content with the less-coveted backseat and possesses great foot speed for those excursions which necessitate the lack of a motor vehicle. His most important attribute is that Leminem is extremely lucky, causing TheRealDookie to often comment “Leminem, you sleep with the Pope.” Often, his errant throws end up hitting their intended target anyway, much to the amazement of his partners-in-crime.
Killer Move: “The Magic Bullet” – an errant egg throw which miraculously bounces off of the grass and hits its intended target anyway.
Weaknesses: Lack of accuracy; Lack of “killer instinct.”
Name: Cue
Intangibles: Cue, an engineer with an eye for good design, is a key planner in the often over-looked planning stages of a WB raid. He is excellent with finding an inconspicuous site to buy supplies and another to load up the car and fill up the water balloons. He has an uncanny ability to remember who gets what share of eggs and how many each person has used. A master administrator. Finally, his unique laugh, which is as rapid and almost as high-pitched as a young schoolgirl’s, often re-energizes a WB group which is fatigued or suffers from low morale.
Killer Move: “The Shotgun” – 3 or 4 projectiles at a close-range target.
Weaknesses: Sometimes moody; Lack of arm strength makes him less than ideal for long-range targets.
Name: Savvy
Intangibles: A tall, athletic, and creative WB-er with tons of baseball experience, Savvy is close to the total package. He can hit long and short range targets with ease, and is always game for a raid. A popular individual, Savvy also often knows of local parties where both cars and assholes are clustered together, allowing the WB team to conduct a more efficacious raid.
Killer Move: Any long-range throw of an egg.
Weaknesses: Possesses all of the physical tools, but often suffers from a need to invite less-reliable and more reckless cohorts.
Name: TheRealDookie
Intangibles: A strong, stocky, intelligent assassin, The R.D., like Cue, is an excellent WB planner, with a mind for flawless preparation, virtually undetectable evidence disposal, and rule-making, and the ability to enforce those rules across a wide spectrum of would-be assassins. His throws are powerful and largely accurate, and he’s also quite creative with all kinds of projectiles, large and small. A good all-around assassin.
Killer Move: The Denter – a hard, fast throw of an egg that dents mailboxes and cars. Sometimes, he can even make the egg come to impact the projectile on one of its ends, creating a loud “bang” before the egg falls and splatters on the ground below. A true master of the “Shock and Awe” Campaign.
Weaknesses: Worries a lot; Experiences a lot of bad luck with water balloons; Often accidentally pops a water balloon on his lap, making it look like he “Dookied” his pants.
More to Come!
posted by TheRealDookie | 7:45 PM
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