True Grit
"...Some use pipes / others use injections..."
To all my loyal readers, I apologize for the lack of blogs lately. Between graduation, moving, engagement parties, remodeling our living quarters, and the blight to humanity known as dial-up internet service, I have been neglecting my blogging duties and I’m truly sorry. In good news, however, I am now officially a resident of the O.C.! The O.C., Florida, that is; not that pansy county out West. It’s great to be home. In fact, I have missed Tennessee exactly 0.0 times since I have left. However, I do not pretend that living here is perfect, or even fun sometimes. Here is one experience from earlier this week that has almost left me jaded, already.
You see, one of the problems about eschewing apartment living for living in a house is that everyone and their mother tries to pimp shitty services to you that you “need” and that “will save you money.” As one example, “Wifey” decided to sign up to get our tap water tested for free by an “expert technician” in the area. I soon saw the gimmick that this was when a 55-year old man came to our door with several cases worth of stuff. We had approximately 5 minutes of real water testing followed by 85 minutes of sales pitch. First, the man tested the PH and Chlorine levels of our water. Our water was relatively low in chlorine on the chart, yet he went on about how unhealthy it was, how debris in the pipes can make the levels worse, and how our level of chlorine would be great if he was testing a swimming pool, but was too high for human consumption (neither of which were true). He did the same for the PH level. Then, at perhaps the funniest part of the testing stage, he said, “Now I’m going to perform a very scientific test for parts per million in your tap water.” After putting some water in a mechanical device that looked like an oversized digital thermometer, he exclaimed. “Wow. Take a look. You have 135 parts per million in your water.” After hearing this, I asked the obvious question, “Parts per million of what?” He replied, in a very scientifical-like answer that was hard for me to fully comprehend, “Stuff.” Stuff? Stuff? What the shit are you coming into my house for? I’m supposed to be scared because 0.0001% of my tap water has “stuff” in it? If you believe that, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you.
Anyway, the real funny part of the experience was not the water-testing portion, but the ridiculous things that this guy said to us which he thought would make us buy his product. The gist of the pitch was that he wanted us to buy a $5000 water filtration system that would produce cleaner, healthier water with, you guessed it, less “stuff” in it. Here were some of the things he told us, I shit you not:
1. The decision by the city to fluoridate the water is one of the biggest crimes ever perpetrated on humanity. It does nothing for your body but cause various severe health problems that are hard for doctors to find and cure, since doctors only treat the symptoms. You need a water filter to get it out.
2. Bad water causes a lot of illnesses in people that they are not aware of. When they go to the doctor, the doctor often gets it wrong. At best, doctors will only treat the symptoms of the disease, because this is an economic country, you see. Only a few doctors have ever stopped to think about it and figured out the source of the problem is the water that we drink.
3. Our bodies are so absorbent that taking one ten-minute shower is the equivalent of drinking 10 gallons of dirty tap water.
4. Chlorine in the water is very bad for you. Chlorine turns into chloroform. That’s why you feel good after you take a shower, because the fumes make you feel like you're refreshed.
5. We need a filter on our water because the State Senate in Tallahassee voted 29-7 to pump some sewage into a pure underground aquifer. [Note to legal process scholars – no word on whether the House or the Governor agreed. Note to geography scholars – that aquifer clearly does not service the entire state, and I’m almost sure does not service my town].
6. After he got a water filter on his house, he felt great. Here are some examples of how it has helped him – first, he hasn’t had anymore headaches. Second, he hasn’t been to the doctor in 17 years, except for when he hurt his ankle. Third, after he installed the filter, he noticed that there was a lot more grit in his bowel movements. He didn’t mean to gross us out here, but the point is that his body was releasing all of the “stuff” that you find in dirty tap water.
7. He’s ‘done the math,’ and we will save $103 dollars per month in soap, detergent, bottled water, cleaning supplies, and loss of clothing if we install this filter. So, we will actually make money over the $51 per month payment, especially when he ‘throws in’ some free cleaning supplies.
After over an hour of this nonsense, we finally got him to start packing up. I offered him something to drink on the way out, and that almost got him started all over again. We finally got him out of the house, in time for me to mow half of the lawn. Our new rule is no more free demonstrations, tests, or displays of any kind. Hold on…..”Wifey” just interrupted me to tell me that we have a free demonstration from a home security company next week. Some people never learn.
To all my loyal readers, I apologize for the lack of blogs lately. Between graduation, moving, engagement parties, remodeling our living quarters, and the blight to humanity known as dial-up internet service, I have been neglecting my blogging duties and I’m truly sorry. In good news, however, I am now officially a resident of the O.C.! The O.C., Florida, that is; not that pansy county out West. It’s great to be home. In fact, I have missed Tennessee exactly 0.0 times since I have left. However, I do not pretend that living here is perfect, or even fun sometimes. Here is one experience from earlier this week that has almost left me jaded, already.
You see, one of the problems about eschewing apartment living for living in a house is that everyone and their mother tries to pimp shitty services to you that you “need” and that “will save you money.” As one example, “Wifey” decided to sign up to get our tap water tested for free by an “expert technician” in the area. I soon saw the gimmick that this was when a 55-year old man came to our door with several cases worth of stuff. We had approximately 5 minutes of real water testing followed by 85 minutes of sales pitch. First, the man tested the PH and Chlorine levels of our water. Our water was relatively low in chlorine on the chart, yet he went on about how unhealthy it was, how debris in the pipes can make the levels worse, and how our level of chlorine would be great if he was testing a swimming pool, but was too high for human consumption (neither of which were true). He did the same for the PH level. Then, at perhaps the funniest part of the testing stage, he said, “Now I’m going to perform a very scientific test for parts per million in your tap water.” After putting some water in a mechanical device that looked like an oversized digital thermometer, he exclaimed. “Wow. Take a look. You have 135 parts per million in your water.” After hearing this, I asked the obvious question, “Parts per million of what?” He replied, in a very scientifical-like answer that was hard for me to fully comprehend, “Stuff.” Stuff? Stuff? What the shit are you coming into my house for? I’m supposed to be scared because 0.0001% of my tap water has “stuff” in it? If you believe that, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you.
Anyway, the real funny part of the experience was not the water-testing portion, but the ridiculous things that this guy said to us which he thought would make us buy his product. The gist of the pitch was that he wanted us to buy a $5000 water filtration system that would produce cleaner, healthier water with, you guessed it, less “stuff” in it. Here were some of the things he told us, I shit you not:
1. The decision by the city to fluoridate the water is one of the biggest crimes ever perpetrated on humanity. It does nothing for your body but cause various severe health problems that are hard for doctors to find and cure, since doctors only treat the symptoms. You need a water filter to get it out.
2. Bad water causes a lot of illnesses in people that they are not aware of. When they go to the doctor, the doctor often gets it wrong. At best, doctors will only treat the symptoms of the disease, because this is an economic country, you see. Only a few doctors have ever stopped to think about it and figured out the source of the problem is the water that we drink.
3. Our bodies are so absorbent that taking one ten-minute shower is the equivalent of drinking 10 gallons of dirty tap water.
4. Chlorine in the water is very bad for you. Chlorine turns into chloroform. That’s why you feel good after you take a shower, because the fumes make you feel like you're refreshed.
5. We need a filter on our water because the State Senate in Tallahassee voted 29-7 to pump some sewage into a pure underground aquifer. [Note to legal process scholars – no word on whether the House or the Governor agreed. Note to geography scholars – that aquifer clearly does not service the entire state, and I’m almost sure does not service my town].
6. After he got a water filter on his house, he felt great. Here are some examples of how it has helped him – first, he hasn’t had anymore headaches. Second, he hasn’t been to the doctor in 17 years, except for when he hurt his ankle. Third, after he installed the filter, he noticed that there was a lot more grit in his bowel movements. He didn’t mean to gross us out here, but the point is that his body was releasing all of the “stuff” that you find in dirty tap water.
7. He’s ‘done the math,’ and we will save $103 dollars per month in soap, detergent, bottled water, cleaning supplies, and loss of clothing if we install this filter. So, we will actually make money over the $51 per month payment, especially when he ‘throws in’ some free cleaning supplies.
After over an hour of this nonsense, we finally got him to start packing up. I offered him something to drink on the way out, and that almost got him started all over again. We finally got him out of the house, in time for me to mow half of the lawn. Our new rule is no more free demonstrations, tests, or displays of any kind. Hold on…..”Wifey” just interrupted me to tell me that we have a free demonstration from a home security company next week. Some people never learn.
posted by TheRealDookie | 9:35 AM
1 Comments:
I must be moving up in the world when people advertise for porn on my site!
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