Die, Lent, Die!!!!
"It don't make sense, goin' to heaven wit the goodie-goodies/ Dressed in white, I like black Tims and black hoodies..."
Don't push me, cause I'm close to the edge, I'm try-in' not to lose my head.....uh huh, uh huh..... Thank God it's the end of Lent, because I'm moody, and I can't take it much longer.
Although I really wanted to pull a Denis Leary this year, and give up Lent for Lent, I decided I would do the proper thing and give up something. And, again, you know me (no halfway, ever)....I gave up something that actually would make a dent -- hamburgers. For those of you who don't know me, red meat is about the only thing that I truly enjoy. I don't like most kinds of steak, get tired of chicken, think pork can die slow, don't really like ham or bologna, hate all the salt-cured meats, and have had my fill of turkey and hen for a while. But I really like meat. In fact, I contemplated buying a shirt the other day which said something like "Vegetarians -- for every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat three." It was awesome. But, there is this person I know who is very self-centered and gets everything she wants. This person occasionally makes fun of groups of people of which I am a member. She has a family member who is connected big in the agricultural world, which is like the mafia down here in terms of connections. She's a vegetarian, and I didn't want to piss her off, or the 3 people who still like her. If I did, I know she'll say anything to people about me, true or not. So I squashed it -- no T-shirt. But anyway, that's just an example of how much I like meat, that I seriously wanted to buy that shirt, and flaunt it.
Now, beef is about the only thing that does it for me, and of the subset of things you can make with beef, hamburger is at the top of the pyramid. For the record, I gave up beef hamburgers, turkey burgers, and any other type of meat-burgers, but not veggie burgers or other types of beef. Believe me, you can feel the difference. I probably averaged about one every other day going into lent, and have had to quit cold turkey (again, pun, intented). In fact, since I can't do anything half-assed, I even did not allow myself to indulge on hamburgers on Sundays. By two weeks, I was fiending pretty bad. Now, I'm pissed off all the time. I saw 40 Days and 40 Nights two nights ago, and I know how that guy feels. But, because I was so moody, that movie pissed me off, too. There was a guy who told Josh Hartnett, in the middle of his abstinence pledge, something like "You know what I gave up for Lent? Meat. You should have done that....it's easier." NO, IT'S NOT, DICK. And any of the dick writers who let that get passed them are asses, too.
Sorry about that, but I'm a little [read, a lot] irritable right now. The fasting requirements of Lent don't really help, either. For a period of almost 24 hours, I put, with the exception of 100 or 200 calories and half a glass of water, absolutely 0 food and drink into my body, in accordance with the tradition of fasting on Good Friday (it does not have to be a total and complete fast, but a) you can't eat meat, so why eat anything, and b) you know me -- no halfway!), which left me with a pounding headache when I eventually had a few pancakes on late Friday night. That was about the height of my moodiness. The dipshits at the Law School made me even more irritable, by scheduling a Legal Aid Society Auction on Friday night, filled with food, booze, and lots of things to bid on. It really pissed me off that the law school decided to host a big freaking party on the day that Jesus died, and that even if I went, I couldn't eat or drink anything. What's worse, nobody really seemed to care. So I just took my pounding headache home with me and grinded my teeth about it.
In short, I was not a happy person to be around....everything put me in a bad mood this week. I got really irritated if anyone looked at me the wrong way. I felt more paranoid than Cheech OR Chong. I got angry that a fellow blogger friend of mine only capitalized "God" one out of three times on his site. In short, everything started to bother me. I also got really pissed that a friend of mine ("Bull") who owns a Nielsen box reneged on his promise to watch the Shield on Tuesdays (and then denied that he ever promised it), so I began starting an information campaign against him at my school. I even changed the desktop on my laptop from a charming picture of my son to a billboard that read " 'Bull' Lies!!!!" But I decided to squash that, also, because I dont really have enough friends to go around bashing them. If anyone asks about any of these things, I blame the lack of cow.
I think the lack of hamburger is also causing me to fail to fall asleep at nights. That stuff sticks to your ribs, so they say. But during the past month or so, the replacement crap that I have been eating has not really done the trick. Or, that could just be me being paranoid. I don't really know. All I know is that if I could take out an advance on my heavenly reward, I might just do so.
One thing is clear. On Easter Sunday, I am going to go to Publix and buy like 8 beef patties. I am going to season them with salt, pepper, barbecue, and onion, and then cook those bitches out. Then, I am going to stack them about as tall and wide as a human mouth can take, and go to town. Then, if I can move, of which there is not a very good chance, I am going to thaw out a meatless veggie shitpatty and put it on a special stand by friend "Slave" gave me, and shoot it with my pellet rifle until it is reduced to pieces. If any birds try to eat it, I am going to shoot them as well.
Of course, I could be talking out of my ass right now....but either way, I wouldn't cross me until Sunday.......
Don't push me, cause I'm close to the edge, I'm try-in' not to lose my head.....uh huh, uh huh..... Thank God it's the end of Lent, because I'm moody, and I can't take it much longer.
Although I really wanted to pull a Denis Leary this year, and give up Lent for Lent, I decided I would do the proper thing and give up something. And, again, you know me (no halfway, ever)....I gave up something that actually would make a dent -- hamburgers. For those of you who don't know me, red meat is about the only thing that I truly enjoy. I don't like most kinds of steak, get tired of chicken, think pork can die slow, don't really like ham or bologna, hate all the salt-cured meats, and have had my fill of turkey and hen for a while. But I really like meat. In fact, I contemplated buying a shirt the other day which said something like "Vegetarians -- for every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat three." It was awesome. But, there is this person I know who is very self-centered and gets everything she wants. This person occasionally makes fun of groups of people of which I am a member. She has a family member who is connected big in the agricultural world, which is like the mafia down here in terms of connections. She's a vegetarian, and I didn't want to piss her off, or the 3 people who still like her. If I did, I know she'll say anything to people about me, true or not. So I squashed it -- no T-shirt. But anyway, that's just an example of how much I like meat, that I seriously wanted to buy that shirt, and flaunt it.
Now, beef is about the only thing that does it for me, and of the subset of things you can make with beef, hamburger is at the top of the pyramid. For the record, I gave up beef hamburgers, turkey burgers, and any other type of meat-burgers, but not veggie burgers or other types of beef. Believe me, you can feel the difference. I probably averaged about one every other day going into lent, and have had to quit cold turkey (again, pun, intented). In fact, since I can't do anything half-assed, I even did not allow myself to indulge on hamburgers on Sundays. By two weeks, I was fiending pretty bad. Now, I'm pissed off all the time. I saw 40 Days and 40 Nights two nights ago, and I know how that guy feels. But, because I was so moody, that movie pissed me off, too. There was a guy who told Josh Hartnett, in the middle of his abstinence pledge, something like "You know what I gave up for Lent? Meat. You should have done that....it's easier." NO, IT'S NOT, DICK. And any of the dick writers who let that get passed them are asses, too.
Sorry about that, but I'm a little [read, a lot] irritable right now. The fasting requirements of Lent don't really help, either. For a period of almost 24 hours, I put, with the exception of 100 or 200 calories and half a glass of water, absolutely 0 food and drink into my body, in accordance with the tradition of fasting on Good Friday (it does not have to be a total and complete fast, but a) you can't eat meat, so why eat anything, and b) you know me -- no halfway!), which left me with a pounding headache when I eventually had a few pancakes on late Friday night. That was about the height of my moodiness. The dipshits at the Law School made me even more irritable, by scheduling a Legal Aid Society Auction on Friday night, filled with food, booze, and lots of things to bid on. It really pissed me off that the law school decided to host a big freaking party on the day that Jesus died, and that even if I went, I couldn't eat or drink anything. What's worse, nobody really seemed to care. So I just took my pounding headache home with me and grinded my teeth about it.
In short, I was not a happy person to be around....everything put me in a bad mood this week. I got really irritated if anyone looked at me the wrong way. I felt more paranoid than Cheech OR Chong. I got angry that a fellow blogger friend of mine only capitalized "God" one out of three times on his site. In short, everything started to bother me. I also got really pissed that a friend of mine ("Bull") who owns a Nielsen box reneged on his promise to watch the Shield on Tuesdays (and then denied that he ever promised it), so I began starting an information campaign against him at my school. I even changed the desktop on my laptop from a charming picture of my son to a billboard that read " 'Bull' Lies!!!!" But I decided to squash that, also, because I dont really have enough friends to go around bashing them. If anyone asks about any of these things, I blame the lack of cow.
I think the lack of hamburger is also causing me to fail to fall asleep at nights. That stuff sticks to your ribs, so they say. But during the past month or so, the replacement crap that I have been eating has not really done the trick. Or, that could just be me being paranoid. I don't really know. All I know is that if I could take out an advance on my heavenly reward, I might just do so.
One thing is clear. On Easter Sunday, I am going to go to Publix and buy like 8 beef patties. I am going to season them with salt, pepper, barbecue, and onion, and then cook those bitches out. Then, I am going to stack them about as tall and wide as a human mouth can take, and go to town. Then, if I can move, of which there is not a very good chance, I am going to thaw out a meatless veggie shitpatty and put it on a special stand by friend "Slave" gave me, and shoot it with my pellet rifle until it is reduced to pieces. If any birds try to eat it, I am going to shoot them as well.
Of course, I could be talking out of my ass right now....but either way, I wouldn't cross me until Sunday.......
posted by TheRealDookie | 11:54 PM
1 Comments:
Sorry about the uncapitalization of God. My only excuse is that when I say "thank God" I feel that it has become more of a colloquialism than an actual reference to the Almighty.
I guess that's not my only excuse... Perhaps better is that fact that I have been officially deemed a Heathen by an authority in the largest Christian church...
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