Accent-uating the Positive

“Been around the world and I, I, I/ We been playa hated….”

One thing that I will just never understand is women who like men with accents. Accents are for some reason the great equalizer for otherwise below-average men, and I just can’t understand it. Now, the R.D. is not Jacques Cousteau or anything, but I’ve been out of the U.S. quite a few times and believe me, America is the best country in the world. If you combine the (relatively) cheap tax rates, price of housing, gas, and automobiles, the widespread leisure-culture, and, more along the point, the fact that we are the nation with generally the highest emphasis on personal grooming, scent, and appearance, and I can’t see why any American woman would be willing to “tip the scale” for a foreigner. But it happens every day!

Now, “Wifey” is one of those people who just has a soft-spot for dudes with accents, and it just makes me feel anger, sadness, pity, and dumbfoundedness all at the same time. Her foreign friends, and the foreign friends of my other female friends, with few exceptions, are all what our counterparts overseas would call “tossers,” “wankers,” or “mashers.” How can an accent make up for someone who stinks, who eats the foulest crap imaginable, who is a stupid Neanderthal who pretends that they know everything about international relations, yet has no idea how to run a country like the U.S. that has a target on its back from virtually every other nation every single day? One time “Wifey’s” friend convinced her that the Northern Irish like to dip their popcorn in ketchup, and then laughed at her for not knowing that was a joke. My response? How can we Americans know with the filthy shit foreigners eat? If you had asked me, I would have guessed that Vegemite, Kimchi, Curry, or hell, even combining corned beef with cabbage would all be stupid jokes if I didn’t know that millions of idiot foreigners eat them every day.

Accent-loving women are the scourge of society to me. I mean, it would be bad enough if having an accent cancelled out one or two bad habits that an immigrant guy picked up in his native land and brought over here, but apparently it can cancel out being an absolute douchebag of a human being, as well. Let’s look at some examples:

1. Colin Farrell – If this freaking pissant of a human being did not have an accent, he would not be liked by anyone. This no-talent-ass-clown, who tarnishes the silver screen with- or sans-accent, is a bird-chested, pretty-boy, drug-addict, womanizing, abusive, egotistical, spoiled, terrible, terrible man. Did I mention he can’t act? Despite all of this, he’s on half of all American womens’ “Five Celebrities List.” Come on, women of the world. I mean, COME ON!

2. The “Oasis” Brothers – these One-Hit-Wonderwalls were the biggest whiny, stupid egomaniacs in recent music history. They shot to fame and waged war against other bands, the music business, and most of all, themselves, for an all-too-long short period of time before they fizzled out like a truck-stop firecracker. These conceited, over-rated, and over-played dickheads thought they were the greatest band of all time, and thousands of women loved them. It made me sick.

3. Liberace – enough said. The fact that he was born in America is the only thing that almost kept him off this list. I should also mention Yanni. Any chance that Yanni was the inspiration for Kevin Kline’s character in In and Out? The resemblance is uncanny.

4. Orlando Bloom – while not a total asshole, it amazes me that women are falling head-over-heels for this girly, pencil-armed jag off. This pansy is adored by women despite the fact that he looks like a 12-year old boy with a glue-on moustache. If he were American, any woman that dated him would instantly be suspected of being a pedophile.

5. Gerard Depardieu – this pudgy, revolting, gargantuan-schnozzed foreigner got more undeserved leading roles than Jim Varney in the 1980s and 90s. Any woman who liked this fat bastard should be exiled.

Another problem with the fact that so many girls like guys with accents is that it is just another example of evolution going backwards. I meant that in many ways, but the main way is that it just encourages losers to conjure or exaggerate their accents instead of becoming better people. I mean, if so many women didn’t have this accent-affliction, we could be assimilating these bastards, or at least the children of these bastards, into better people. But instead, good American men have to suffer while the hearts of women flutter for assholes with accents.

Now, maybe I’m fighting an impossible fight here. Maybe I have no chance of convincing anyone of anything. Maybe foreign accents are the female equivalent of what fake tits are for men. But, I, The Real Dookie, American until the end, will continue to fight the good fight. I like that great American Butch Cassidy, stand here, armed with only a measly six shooter, ready to charge the armies upon armies of foreigners who seek to imprison me in this cruel world. Either that, or I’m working on my British Accent……