Toward a Diplomatic Theory of Personal Relationships

A couple of times during the past few months the R.D. has been called out for his would-be response on the "best friend" question. One time, "Wifey" and I were reading somebody's webpage where they described their best friend as their spouse. She said that was sweet, but I disagreed. She asked me who I would list as my best friend on my web page or if I were surveyed, and I responded I'd probably put one of my male friends, like M.C. Coppin , "Cue,"or the Staffman. She responded with a grumpy noise, and I think I know why, thanks to the other situation I referenced.

A few months ago I went to a bar for a happy hour for the birthday of a co-worker. She was a little tipsy and was bitching about something her best friend had done to her. So, we all shared stories about some shitty things friends had done to us in the past. The birthday girl, fortunately joking, pretended to rail me that I didn't say that "Wifey" was my best friend. I have a very good reason why I don't list her as my best friend. This is why.

I adhere to the Diplomatic Theory of Personal Relationships. It is actually quite simple. In politics, and international diplomacy, individuals are referred to by the highest political rank or position they have ever held (unless they currently serve at a lower post and are being addressed in their official capacity). It is a common courtesy among diplomats and politicians that is generally not questioned.

So, under my theory, when someone talks about their spouse or significant other, they should refer to them as that title, not as "best friend." Being a wife or husband is a much deeper, stronger bond than best friend, and entails much deeper responsibility. So, when someone asks me to name my best friend, I honestly wouldn't even think to list my mother, brothers or sisters, kids, grandparents, or anyone else directly in the family line, because they have an even bigger "title."

Now, some of the R.D.'s readers are sensitive, so I want to add that I am in no way criticizing those who refer to their significant others as their best friend. I think that is a wonderful and sweet tribute. I'm just saying that in my mind, and according to the Diplomatic Theory of Personal Relationships, it doesn't make much sense.

Moving toward the DTPR makes good practice, and matches how we refer to people in other walks of life. I bet you'd still call your high school sports mentor as "Coach," even long after he was canned or retired. People refer to Alan Keyes as "Ambassador Keyes," not "Alan Keyes, talking head on your cable news show." And people of course refer to Bill Clinton as "President Clinton," not "Bill Clinton, husband of the Socialist Party's Presidential Candidate." Hence, "Wifey" will always be "Wifey" to me. I don't ask my "best friends" to lick me.

Think about it.