TheRealDookie

Subpar blogging by The R.D........... not at all Notorious, but his waistline is getting kind of B.I.G.

Name:
Location: The O.C., Florida, The Sunny, yet still Dirty, South, United States

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Brother, Can You Spare the Nickel and Dime?

"Syringe sold separately, Frank the Deputy...."

One reason times are hard for the working man right now are all these asshole companies trying to nickel and dime us to death. Take these examples:

1. A year ago we signed up for Dish Network with an 18-month contract. They said we could downgrade from our current package for no additional charge. Now, they want to charge us a $7.00 a month fee to downgrade our package because we have hardware which would allow a greater package. WTF? No sale. We are still fighting about this one.

2. I recently got hit with a parking ticket and the City charges a $2.50 processing fee to pay the ticket on line or over the phone. (not like any reasonable person would attempt to wait in those lines). I paid the ticket, and apparently it was a couple of days late, so they charged me a $15.00 late fee, plus another $2.50 if I paid the late fee online.

3. I went to Kohl's department store yesterday to buy a pair of shoes. The prices were marked digitally with an electronic tag, which I thought was cool. I took the shoes off the rack and tried them on. When I boxed-up the shoes again, the price had gone up 4 to 5 bucks per pair! It turns out they have some zero-tolerance "Early bird" special where you have to check out by a certain time or lose the marked price. Hence, the previously-thought-cool electronic tags, which now I view as big-brother bullshit. Fortunately for them, I complained and they honored the original price, but with a stern "just THIS once." Whatever.

4. This one takes the cake -- Pizza Hut charged me a $1.25 FEE for ordering EXTRA CHEESE! Their rationale is that extra cheese is a "premium topping" that necessitates an additional fee on top of the price of the pizza. Hi, I'm Earth, have we met? The damn pizza already has cheese on it! No one calls it a "premium pizza!" Cheese is the plainest, most prevalent, and most average pizza topping known to mankind! Premium, my ass!

Companies are so short-sighted. I know that everyone cares about their bottom line right now, a lot, but did anyone stop to think even a quarter or two into the future? If any of the above four things that don't get resolved never get resolved for me, I'm never going to do business with those companies again, or at least severely curtail my use of those companies. Take these mortgage companies, for instance. Was one good year really worth a federal investigation and potential class action lawsuits for shitty lending practices? Even if they amount to nothing, are any of the people who potentially lost their home ever going to use your company if they ever got back on their feet? What about their moms, dads, brothers, and sisters?

Anyway, in an effort to pass these costs off to you, the consumer, I have retroactively charged you a $2.99 access fee for reading the first line of this post. I recognize that this is a modification of our existing contract without any notice or consideration to you, whatsoever, but I am going to attempt to hoodwink you into thinking this is totally legitimate by explaining to you in a totally conclusory and circular way the rationale for this fee. [This is an access fee we charge to recoup the additional costs associated with the maintenance of "premium" weblogs. You have just surfed on to a premium weblog]. If you complain, I will simply state that I have no authority to waive such a fee. [It's true, I can't, honest]. Please mail this fee to me at your earliest convenience or I will have to interrupt your service of this blog and report you to our collection agency and the national credit reporting bureaus. [Then you'll only qualify for a sub-prime mortgage]. Be aware that failure to pay this fee will result in a $49.99 re-connection fee should you ever wish to access this blog again. [Go ahead, I dare you not to pay up]. Have a blessed day.