Current Event Haiku

The Super Bowl

The NFL refs
are in love with the Steelers
now they have six rings

The Bailout Package

Government spending
combined with cutting taxes
is not really change

Hero Pilot

Bird strike; engines fail
"We're going in the Hudson"
hundreds of lives saved

Sarah Palin's Recent Interviews (double)

Sarah talks good game
when the Presidential race
is not on the line

Where was all of this
when we needed you the most
go back to Juneau

Dunkin Donuts and McDonalds

Your coffee products
are as tasty as Starbucks'
my wallet thanks you

The Big O

"They depicted me the boss, of course....."

I still can’t believe it. I still can’t believe that this country is going to elect Barack Obama as President. I can’t believe we are going to elect a guy to the most important position in the world who is almost 50 years old and has not accomplished a single noteworthy political accomplishment in his entire life. I can’t believe we are going to elect a guy who has 7 years of experience as a state senator, two years as a junior senator from Illinois, and no executive experience whatsoever. That’s it. A guy whose wife likes to go on television and suggest she is ashamed to be an American. That is, until she has a shot at being the First Lady. Then she's proud for the first time ever. A guy who just a few months ago basically said people making over $96,000 a year are “rich” and deserved to have their taxes increased, but then ran to the center during the general election. A guy who campaigns on beating high gas prices, and who doesn’t want to do anything to increase the nation’s oil supply. A person who actually says that what this country needs is to tax people more and “redistribute wealth” to people who didn’t earn it. Then, when people point out that this is socialism, his supporters go on the air and accuse the people who point this out of being racist and using terms such as “socialism” as code for “black.” A guy who spends tens of millions of dollars advertising himself as a metaphor for meaningful “change” but who has few substantive, or even new, ideas. A guy whose supporters argue that the Republicans have no respect for certain parts of the community, but can’t go more than a couple of days without making the most base and stereotypical comments about people who live in small towns or own guns or attend church. But, hey, he’s young and cool, and sure writes a mean book.

Not to say that I’m high on McCain. He ran a campaign that didn’t really have a message besides a generic “maverick” theme, yet he failed to emphasize that he is, in fact, not George Bush, until the damn final debate. His economic policies are still pretty much undefined, except for some promise of more bailouts and tax cuts for the wealthy, neither of which we can support in good conscience. I really think we can find some better candidates on both sides of the aisle.

The weirdest thing, to me, is that most of my friends who are huge Obama supporters are way better off than they were four years ago. They, like me, have gone from poor students to impressive degrees to great, high paying, and rewarding jobs under the current President. They have seen decreased tax rates and many of them have bought their own houses or made other major purchases. They have enjoyed freedom and safety. Supposed “hot button” issues which are a major part of the campaign do not affect them at all. I wonder, if they didn’t watch The View or MSNBC or read garbage forwards from their liberal friends, would they really notice that we are in a recession? Do they really believe that John Roberts and Samuel Alito and Sarah Palin have ruined the country? Do they not realize that it was both a Republican president along with a Democratic Congress that was in power when things started getting really bad?

This is not to say that there isn’t a recession or that there aren’t people out there who are a lot worse off then they were 4 years ago. But the people who are a lot worse off all seem to be upset with both candidates and disillusioned with the entire system rather than only Republicans. But these are not the really passionate people I see, nor do they display the same type of arrogance that I see from a lot of die hards.

Well, if we do have President Obama, which we are going to, maybe some good will come out of it. In fact, it’s time to be hopeful. In that regard, here’s my top 10 good things about an Obama presidency:

1. At least we will have a Catholic Vice President.
2. The first time, Obama said he wanted to raise taxes on anyone “rich”, which to him at the time meant people making over $96,000 in income regardless of where they lived or how much debt they had. The second time, Obama said he wanted to raise taxes on anyone “rich”, which to him at the time meant people making over $250,000 in income regardless of other factors (although Biden said $150,000 in a recent campaign misstep). Maybe third time’s the charm and he will actually come up with a sensible tax policy.
3. I finally get to go on the offensive against my liberal friends who have had eight years to play Monday Morning Quarterback and tee off from the cheap seats at Bush.
4. Maybe the new dictator in Iraq who takes power immediately after we pull out will be a nice guy.
5. Now that she is no longer campaigning, hopefully Sarah Palin’s outfits will get a little shorter and tighter.
6. We will finally have a chief executive who can pronounce the word “nuclear.”
7. The National Debt clock will get a few more decimal places. Now that’s a meaningful change.
8. Maybe an Obama win will move people toward the conclusion that it is time to start reducing affirmative action-type programs where they are not needed.
9. Hopefully we can rid the Supreme Court of bowties.
10. At least he’s not Hillary!!!!!

Great Day for The Dook...

I had a pretty sweet weekend. I took a road trip to watch some college football. This was the beginning of a chain of events that were pretty remarkable and are not likely to be duplicated soon. My college team won. My pro team won. My son's team won his flag football game. I won my fantasy football game this week. In my other fantasy league, I had the highest scoring week of the year so far and catapulted up two places in the rankings. I also ate some great food in several different locales. It was also fun just to hit the open road.

So, nothing earth-shattering, but a fantastic weekend definitely worth mentioning. Something tells me I'm not going to be as excited in a week (election day) -- not with these jokers who are running for national office.

The World Is Stupid

Okay, okay, one more 9/11-related post, this one funnier.

There has been a ton of garbage in the news this week making a huge deal that the "world" wants Barack Obama to be President, with the usual reaction from those who comment on the poll that this is a historic election, one with some type of mandate for Obama to win.

My usual reaction to stories like this is that they are either incorrect or irrelevant, because while many foreign nations do a better job than America in knowing the identity of foreign officials, due to America's free press and wide availability of information we in America know, or at least have access to, more general information about the conditions and views of foreign nations than they do about us. The result of this is that what little information about American politics filters out to foreign nations is usually wrong, over-generalized, and/or incredibly slanted, so that foreign citizens dont get a real view of the issues or platforms of American candidates.

But I have a new and much simpler hypothesis today -- the world is just plain stupid. As evidence of this, take an incredible world-wide poll that shows the world can't even come to a consensus as to who was responsible for the 9/11 attacks, and one in four dont even have the mental ability to even come to a conclusion. And I'm not talking about people in huts, here. I'm talking about people in developed areas who were able to conduct an interview.

Are you kidding me? Not only did Al Qaeda take credit for the attacks specifically, but some of the highjackers actually wrote suicide notes! Not to mention the actual phone calls from the United 93 passengers. But no, I'm sure it was Bush and the Jews, or maybe Lee Harvey Oswald.

Never?

"Time to get paid/Blow up like the World Trade..."

It's been seven years since the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Seven years since we were made to feel unsafe from large-scale terrorism in our own cities, since we witnessed the death of so many brave citizens, New York rescue workers (and several in Washington, D.C., also), and public servants, and seven years since "we will never forget." The outpouring of emotion and patriotism I witnessed immediately after 9/11 from everyday people made me feel proud and humbled. I honestly thought that we would never forget.

On 9/11, when the first attack happened, I was in college, and specifically probably in the shower. "Wifey" called me to tell me what had happened, because she had an early class and heard the initial news that one of the twin towers had been hit. My the time the second tower had been hit, I was already glued to the news. After classes were cancelled, I spent the better part of the day frantically trying to find out if my father who lived a couple of blocks from the WTC, and other relatives in New York, were okay. Most cellular phone lines in NYC were down, and the few that werent were in use by emergency personnel, or by the lucky few who were able to access them. What you may or may not know was as that time, Verizon also hosted the land-lines for Manhattan, so the land lines whose infrastructure wasn't destroyed were also down, probably for a similar issue. Fortunately, I was eventually able to get an email through to my dad's secretary, who was able to email me back (in time, not instantly) to let me know my father and my stepmother were okay. After I was able to calm down, I knew my view of the world was never going to be the same, nor necessarily should it.

A year after 9/11 I had moved and was actually living in the deep South, going to a different school. What amazed me was that on the 9/11 anniversary, no one I went to school with even seemed to care. I had lunch with a new friend I made from Alabama in the school cafe, glued to the news, with hardly anyone around us, and we both shared the feeling that none of the students around us held the day with any reverence, nor did they even seem to really care. From then on, I have felt a deep sadness on every 9/11 anniversary, that our collective memory was fading too quickly.

The foreign policy issues I leave to better individuals, but the point I'm trying to make is that 9/11 affected me. I am not trying to say that the way it affected me was the way it should affect everyone, or that there is a proper reaction or course of action anyone should take. My point is that with every passing year, we do forget, and more than I would like to admit. I understand that everyone deals with grief and fear differently, but many of the things I have heard lead me to believe that there are no surreptitious prayers or moments of silence or reaction from many of the people I interact with on a daily basis. Any many politicians I see who pay lip service to 9/11 seem to be doing so not due to some deep reverence, but as a political obligation or as part of some larger (in their mind) agenda.

So, please, do me a favor. On 9/11/09, take a few minutes and allow yourself to re-live that day. Take a few minutes in prayer or reflection, or send something to a soldier, or visit a monument, or just do something patriotic or hell, even selfless. Do something to keep 9/11 in your conciousness. I can't promise you something good, or even enlightening, will happen, but I can promise you that it's better than doing nothing.

Lameness

"...I guess it's 'cause you run with lame dudes too much/ Me lose my touch? Never that..."

Lately, I have been exposed to a lot of lame behavior out of people. Some of this lameness has worked in my favor, some of it has worked against me. I explain below:

Against Me:

1. Car dealership. Last year "Wifey" and I got Wifey a new car. It was pre-owned, and we noticed three problems while we inspected it. So, as a condition of purchasing the car we made the dealership sign a "We Owe," an agreement to fix the three problems after purchase. One of the problems has not been fixed after a full year. They keep telling us a part is on back order, which, even if it were true, does not mean they can ignore the problem. This is likely going to be a fight for us. Lame.

2. Several "friends." I have one or two formerly-tight friends who have been really crappy and flaky and/or silent lately. I'm not going to get into specifics, but don't worry. If you're reading this, its not you.

3. Two "I.M. Pros." A little background. The term "I.M. Pros" is a phrase a few friends of mine and I invented in law school to describe the psuedo-jocks who are a white-collar douchebags by day and by night attempt to "own" an intramural league. You know the type. The guys that show up with personalized jerseys, laminated playbooks, who have "tryouts" for their intramural squad, who berate IM refs during halftime and after the game is over, et cetera. I have come into contact with two of these ass-clowns lately in an intramural league to which I am merely a part-time fill in for some friends from work. One guy called me for traveling in a recent basketball game. Traveling! I was talking it over with some friends, and I don't think I even took a step. At most, I took one step. Traveling is three steps. Get a life. But it's the second guy who takes the tamale. He sent an email to three female employees at my company making fun of two male employees who play on our IM squad. This 40+ year old scrote literally was a) talking trash; about b) an intramural game; that c) he sent two three girls without the decency to even send to any guy who actually plays on the team. And no, these girls weren't girlfriends or wives or even die-hard fans of anyone on our team. Lame hall of fame.

4. My father. The R.D.'s one-half creator has been a real jerk lately. He recently declined to come to a family event, stating the excuse that he "had to pack" for an overseas trip. He also had the never to moan about getting his father's day greeting one day late, this after failing to send a present or even a card for a very special event for my kid, his grandkid. Even more recently, I come to find out that almost everyone on his side of the family took what appears to be a family vacation that no one even mentioned to the R.D., or, at least, conveniently neglected to mention was a family vacation. Fortunately, this lameness is nothing new, although it has not reared its ugly head in a while.

5. Muffin Lady. I bought 4 nice-looking fresh muffins from the grocery store. I got home and found out post-bite that two of them were still raw dough in the middle. The outside had been cooked, but the inside had not. It was pretty sickening. So, I brought them back the following week to inform the store manager - that is a major health code problem. Not only did the manager not seem to care, but she basically tried to tell me off because she couldn't understand why I waited 6 days to return them and was still upset about it. I mean, first of all, I had 2 good muffins, second of all, I am not paying $4 per gallon for gas to return 2 muffins the same day, and third, aren't you missing the point? Besides the fact that I brought it back in clearly-marked packaging, even if you aren't going to refund my two bucks, shouldn't you be concerned that you are selling potential gut disease to customers? However, this one is "in the middle" because it has a happy ending.

In My Favor:

1. Dumb valets. I recently got raped at a hotel valet, who charged me $10 to park my car. However, I told him I didn't have any cash (the truth), so he told me to pay at pickup instead of at drop-off, noting that he would mark my ticket. In addition to this being a lame policy (most places charge you at pickup, right?), it hurts tips for the guys doing the parking because you don't come back with cash if you have already paid. Anyway, when I left the dumb valet didn't check my ticket, so he just left the car and never hung around for the money. Oh yeah. Free Parking, Monopoly style.

2. Ice, Ice, Baby. A local gas station is really paranoid about drive-offs, so they have removed the little clip that allows you to fill-up without holding the pump, and make you pre-pay for everything. It is super annoying, especially in 100 degree heat. Today I went to fill up, and the woman gave me a hard time because I didn't know how much I wanted to prepay. I mean, I wanted to fill up. I can estimate that it was about 8 gallons, but, I cant say for sure. the exact amount So, I left her some money. I came back in with a bag of ice I wanted to buy, after pumping. The woman, who, by the way had a "6 months of service" tag, both forgot that I had not pre-paid the exact amount, and didn't know how to give me change after a pre-pay. She got so flustered that she forgot to ring up the bag of ice. Sweet lameness.

3. Dumb lawyering. I am changing this story a little bit, but basically I had an attorney, a licensed attorney, actually say this to me. I stated that a term in a contract was a "saving provision", a term that saves a contract from being illegal because it states that if the person who wrote the contract put something wrong in the contract, that term is modified to conform to what the law is. (For example, if we charged you $100 for an oil change, and the law says we can only charge you $90, the amount you owe will actually be $90). This attorney argued back that the term was not a "saving provision." The reason? Because it was only a provision that, if it applied, acted to make sure the contract was not illegal. Wow. [Note -- I am including this because I assume I will actually not lose this argument when someone else looks at it. If I do, expect a new entry on the "Against Me" front].

4. Oh yeah, the muffin lady. The happy ending is that when I told this story to the cashier, he apologized and gave me 4 muffins to me for free, and then told the bakery. The muffins are a lot better now, and it appears the problems has gone away. Apparently, he explained there was a little bit of a "language barrier" between the manager and the R.D. Yeah, as in, I don't speak lame.

Klutz-upreme.....

.....or Uber Klutz, if you prefer.

The R.D is having a great weekend, but for catching a severe case of Klutz-itis. Ever see that movie, Pure Luck, where Martin Short is a walking train wreck, and can't go two minutes without getting into an accident? Well, that was yours truly this weekend. Lets see if I can remember everything that has befallen me.

1. I had a toilet overflow on me. Twice.

2. I had a vacuum cleaner's dirt container fall out when I was taking the vacuum out of the closet, spilling all of the previously-contained dirt all over the dark closet, and tripling my vacuum time.

3. I somehow stepped on a shard of glass or splinter, causing a cut on the ball of my right foot that smarts every time I take a step.

4. I attempted to clean out a kitty litter box only to have the litter spill all over the floor because the cat (who is declawed, by the way), clawed holes in the bottom. (He must have done it with his rear-leg claws. When I attempted to clean up the mess, unbeknownst to me, the shopping bag I attempted to place the litter in also had a hole in the bottom. The second shopping bag I got to back-up the first bag, you guessed it, also had an unforeseen hole in its bottom. This quadrupled by vacuum time.

5. I attempted to wipe my face with a napkin, and the corner of the napkin poked me in the eye and made me tear up and have blurred vision.

6. I picked up an improperly sealed bottle of baby aspirins, and the bottle fell out of my hands. I also almost had a fan fall on me when I opened the closet door. Neither of these made contact with me, but of course I lost both the fan and most of the aspirins.

7. I unplugged an extension cord, which fell on top of a recycling bin, which then tipped over and fell on my foot. So, yeah, apparently my life has turned into a game of Mouse Trap.

I'm sure there have been more over the past two days, but I probably sustained a head injury and have forgotten them. Thank God I did not attempt a barbecue on this Memorial Day weekend, or I quite likely would have blown myself up.