The Fine Art of the Drunk Dial
“…
[phone rings]
[B.I.G.] – Yo?
[voice] -- I’ma kill you motherf**ker
[B.I.G.] -- Hello?
[voice] -- Kill you motherf**ker
[B.I.G.] -- [sarcastically] WORD?
..........
[voice] -- Better watch your motherf**kin back
[B.I.G.] -- Watch my back? WORD?
[voice] -- I'm gonna get Biggie, I'm gonna kill Biggie
[B.I.G.] -- You soft dude, you soft……
[whispering]
[B.I.G.] – [yells] Eat a dick!!
[click]…”
Today is actually my half-sister’s birthday. One fully thing about my family is that I have two half-sisters and one half-brother. In one of those weird twists of life, I was born one day after my half-sister (in different years, though), and my half-brother was born one day after my other half-sister. This was done even though we all have at least one parent different from each other. You will soon find out that this is just one way my family is incredibly funked-up.
Anyway, my sister loves to get drunk and post odd pictures of her and her sloshed friends on an online photo book that she has, which I was visiting last night. Not people to leave such lasting impressions of ourselves on the internet, my friends and I, however, have a different way of expressing to the world our drunkenness. Well, we actually have many different ways, some legal, some illegal, all I hope to tell you about (when the Statute of Limitations has run, of course), but I’m going to focus on our oldest tradition – the fine art of the drunk dial.
Now, this tradition dates back to even before I was old enough to drink, so I have it down to an art form. Of course, it doesn’t take that much effort, normally, just a phone with a lot of free minutes (it gets expensive, quickly), a few drunk people, and a funny message or idea we attempt to pull over on a sober person (often one who has been asked to join us and snubbed us by refusing), but my friends and I have made it more elaborate. We use the phone of a stranger so the number can’t be immediately known. Sometimes, we will videotape or tape-record our best schemes. One or two times, we broke out a dry-erase board, a video camera, paper, a speaker-phone, and lots of notes, going until the wee hours of the morning leaving people ridiculous messages. Wine in a box makes you do funny things.
Listed below, in no particular order, are some of my best drunk-dials, and some of the ramifications:
1. The Child Molester
I have a friend, “CrazyLiberal,” who (I think) has been on a dry spell with the ladies for a while. Despite the fact that we lived and worked only an hour apart this summer, he never hung out with me. Some facts about CrazyLiberal: he is a crazy left-wing socialist-type (kind-of), he loves flying airplanes, and he has been single for a while. So, we staged an elaborate plot where we would leave him a message and play multiple roles. “M.C.,” one of my older partners-in-crime, was a federal agent. “Yvette,” his girlfriend, was a little boy whom CrazyLiberal molested after taking him for a ride in his airplane. I was the informant who got nabbed on a drug beef and gave him up. We worked in how we knew where he had worked this summer and how they had reported him putting pictures of it over the internet (which is why it was a federal case), and also a back-handed dig on his leftist poltics. It was awesome. We had to leave a message, because he didn’t answer, but it was still one of the best ever. CrazyLiberal didn’t speak to me for a while after that.
2. A Current (Lesbian) Affair
One time, I had “Yvette” drunk dial “Camp,” a female friend of mine who was working far from home over the summer. Left a message for Camp saying that she was the girl whom Camp met at a club in the city where Camp was working, and let on that they ended up making out that night. Yvette was awesome. Then, I added in a little twist. Since Camp was engaged to be married, I had Yvette add in that she was hoping they could “close the deal before [Camp’s] wedding,” because Yvette would feel a little uneasy about making it with a married woman. Camp ended up freaking out and didn’t figure out who was responsible until like two days later, when her man, who is a friend of mine, called our bluff. She ended up telling some of her co-workers about it and how scared she was. In fact, one of her friends brought it up when school started back up a few months later, allowing me to re-live the thrills. That one’s a first ballot hall-of-famer!
3. If You Can’t Take the Heat…..Don’t Lie
I put this one in mainly for the reaction it got. I have a crazy friend, “C.J.,” who went to college and high school with me. C.J. was a substitute teacher for a while after college to raise some money before he moved on to bigger and better things. Now, C.J. used to be a notorious gossip, responsible for more than his fair share of unfair (yet funny) rumors. Now, we had heard, although not from a reliable source, that he hinted to his substitute kids that he used to date my wife, or, at the very least, that he did not deny the rumors (the truth: they were married once – in a theater production!). So, one night we got tanked after a “Casino Cruise” and spent the ride home drunk-dialing his ass. I don’t remember what exactly what I said, but my sarcastic side was at work. I said that my wife wanted him, and remembered how good he used to give it to her, and was ready to leave me for him. I said I had heard the shit he told his class and I was ready to fight, then my friend “Slave” chimed in and said some other ridiculous shit about how C.J. was a liar and just wanted to date his students, or something like that. We were falling-over-ourselves drunk and could not stop laughing, so we were obviously kidding. But the next morning, C.J. flipped out. He called me like 6 times, and then, when I would not answer (it was too damn early!) he came over to my house to tell me off. I was leaving at the time to go study, so he started following me in his car and after I pulled over told me how “he would never do that,” and how my call was “F—ked up” and all of this. I apologized over and over, told him I was drunk, added that he should have known that I was drunk, and that it was weird that he came over just to berate me for an obvious joke. We have squashed it since then, but his reaction was legendary – we still talk about how someone is going to “pull a ‘C.J.’ on us the next morning.”
4. Pump, Pump, Pump It Up!
One time, “M.C.” had an acquaintance who was a huge jerk. The dude was just a loser and M.C. rightly thought he was a dirtbag. So I called him from my phone and apologized for the lateness of the call (it was like 1 a.m., Eastern), and told him that I was calling from Amsterdam. The reason? He had ordered such a large amount of erectile-dysfunction drugs from our overseas warehouse that we were going to have a problem getting it to him in one shipment. A also wanted to confirm that he actually wanted to order 2000 E.D. pills, and that this was not just a typo. It was over the top, and fantastic. Then, M.C. chimed in and totally gave it away, saying that this amount of drugs would produce a stiffie “longer than a tree” and “was more than enough to satisfy a whole football team” or something like that. I don’t know how we held back from laughing, because when we watch it on video now (yes, I know, we are sick bastards), we can’t even hear the next line we are laughing so hard.
Well, I’m sure there are a lot more I have neglected, but hopefully I have not missed any of the greatest ones. If I have, or if you have one that tops any of mine, feel free to leave me a comment.
[phone rings]
[B.I.G.] – Yo?
[voice] -- I’ma kill you motherf**ker
[B.I.G.] -- Hello?
[voice] -- Kill you motherf**ker
[B.I.G.] -- [sarcastically] WORD?
..........
[voice] -- Better watch your motherf**kin back
[B.I.G.] -- Watch my back? WORD?
[voice] -- I'm gonna get Biggie, I'm gonna kill Biggie
[B.I.G.] -- You soft dude, you soft……
[whispering]
[B.I.G.] – [yells] Eat a dick!!
[click]…”
Today is actually my half-sister’s birthday. One fully thing about my family is that I have two half-sisters and one half-brother. In one of those weird twists of life, I was born one day after my half-sister (in different years, though), and my half-brother was born one day after my other half-sister. This was done even though we all have at least one parent different from each other. You will soon find out that this is just one way my family is incredibly funked-up.
Anyway, my sister loves to get drunk and post odd pictures of her and her sloshed friends on an online photo book that she has, which I was visiting last night. Not people to leave such lasting impressions of ourselves on the internet, my friends and I, however, have a different way of expressing to the world our drunkenness. Well, we actually have many different ways, some legal, some illegal, all I hope to tell you about (when the Statute of Limitations has run, of course), but I’m going to focus on our oldest tradition – the fine art of the drunk dial.
Now, this tradition dates back to even before I was old enough to drink, so I have it down to an art form. Of course, it doesn’t take that much effort, normally, just a phone with a lot of free minutes (it gets expensive, quickly), a few drunk people, and a funny message or idea we attempt to pull over on a sober person (often one who has been asked to join us and snubbed us by refusing), but my friends and I have made it more elaborate. We use the phone of a stranger so the number can’t be immediately known. Sometimes, we will videotape or tape-record our best schemes. One or two times, we broke out a dry-erase board, a video camera, paper, a speaker-phone, and lots of notes, going until the wee hours of the morning leaving people ridiculous messages. Wine in a box makes you do funny things.
Listed below, in no particular order, are some of my best drunk-dials, and some of the ramifications:
1. The Child Molester
I have a friend, “CrazyLiberal,” who (I think) has been on a dry spell with the ladies for a while. Despite the fact that we lived and worked only an hour apart this summer, he never hung out with me. Some facts about CrazyLiberal: he is a crazy left-wing socialist-type (kind-of), he loves flying airplanes, and he has been single for a while. So, we staged an elaborate plot where we would leave him a message and play multiple roles. “M.C.,” one of my older partners-in-crime, was a federal agent. “Yvette,” his girlfriend, was a little boy whom CrazyLiberal molested after taking him for a ride in his airplane. I was the informant who got nabbed on a drug beef and gave him up. We worked in how we knew where he had worked this summer and how they had reported him putting pictures of it over the internet (which is why it was a federal case), and also a back-handed dig on his leftist poltics. It was awesome. We had to leave a message, because he didn’t answer, but it was still one of the best ever. CrazyLiberal didn’t speak to me for a while after that.
2. A Current (Lesbian) Affair
One time, I had “Yvette” drunk dial “Camp,” a female friend of mine who was working far from home over the summer. Left a message for Camp saying that she was the girl whom Camp met at a club in the city where Camp was working, and let on that they ended up making out that night. Yvette was awesome. Then, I added in a little twist. Since Camp was engaged to be married, I had Yvette add in that she was hoping they could “close the deal before [Camp’s] wedding,” because Yvette would feel a little uneasy about making it with a married woman. Camp ended up freaking out and didn’t figure out who was responsible until like two days later, when her man, who is a friend of mine, called our bluff. She ended up telling some of her co-workers about it and how scared she was. In fact, one of her friends brought it up when school started back up a few months later, allowing me to re-live the thrills. That one’s a first ballot hall-of-famer!
3. If You Can’t Take the Heat…..Don’t Lie
I put this one in mainly for the reaction it got. I have a crazy friend, “C.J.,” who went to college and high school with me. C.J. was a substitute teacher for a while after college to raise some money before he moved on to bigger and better things. Now, C.J. used to be a notorious gossip, responsible for more than his fair share of unfair (yet funny) rumors. Now, we had heard, although not from a reliable source, that he hinted to his substitute kids that he used to date my wife, or, at the very least, that he did not deny the rumors (the truth: they were married once – in a theater production!). So, one night we got tanked after a “Casino Cruise” and spent the ride home drunk-dialing his ass. I don’t remember what exactly what I said, but my sarcastic side was at work. I said that my wife wanted him, and remembered how good he used to give it to her, and was ready to leave me for him. I said I had heard the shit he told his class and I was ready to fight, then my friend “Slave” chimed in and said some other ridiculous shit about how C.J. was a liar and just wanted to date his students, or something like that. We were falling-over-ourselves drunk and could not stop laughing, so we were obviously kidding. But the next morning, C.J. flipped out. He called me like 6 times, and then, when I would not answer (it was too damn early!) he came over to my house to tell me off. I was leaving at the time to go study, so he started following me in his car and after I pulled over told me how “he would never do that,” and how my call was “F—ked up” and all of this. I apologized over and over, told him I was drunk, added that he should have known that I was drunk, and that it was weird that he came over just to berate me for an obvious joke. We have squashed it since then, but his reaction was legendary – we still talk about how someone is going to “pull a ‘C.J.’ on us the next morning.”
4. Pump, Pump, Pump It Up!
One time, “M.C.” had an acquaintance who was a huge jerk. The dude was just a loser and M.C. rightly thought he was a dirtbag. So I called him from my phone and apologized for the lateness of the call (it was like 1 a.m., Eastern), and told him that I was calling from Amsterdam. The reason? He had ordered such a large amount of erectile-dysfunction drugs from our overseas warehouse that we were going to have a problem getting it to him in one shipment. A also wanted to confirm that he actually wanted to order 2000 E.D. pills, and that this was not just a typo. It was over the top, and fantastic. Then, M.C. chimed in and totally gave it away, saying that this amount of drugs would produce a stiffie “longer than a tree” and “was more than enough to satisfy a whole football team” or something like that. I don’t know how we held back from laughing, because when we watch it on video now (yes, I know, we are sick bastards), we can’t even hear the next line we are laughing so hard.
Well, I’m sure there are a lot more I have neglected, but hopefully I have not missed any of the greatest ones. If I have, or if you have one that tops any of mine, feel free to leave me a comment.
posted by TheRealDookie | 2:18 PM
2 Comments:
Yvette,
Sometimes I love Trinka, but the feeling is not always mutual.
Yes, yes I do. Send pictures. Please.
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